Stress and my Lupus ... not a pretty sight

One of the hardest things I find to do is relax, it is just something I have great difficulty in doing. Unfortunately I am a highly stressed person and most times I deal with that stress without giving it a second thought. Even when there is nothing to stress about, I stress about something. 

The silly thing is, that it is usually the small things that stress me more than the big things that should. At the moment my father is not real well, and highly possibly not much longer for this world, but that isn't stressing me to much, a little but not a lot. I am in the process of moving inter-state, yes that is stressing me, not the move as such, more the amount of stuff I have to do and the amount of time I have to do it. Basically, I am running out of time fast!!! As I said, normally I deal with the stress pretty well, but every now and then I am reminded that I am not dealing with it as well as I could be. 

I have Lupus, and auto-immune disorder where the immune system attacks your own body, instead of attacking the bad cells it attacks the good ones, not just any cells though, it attacks your organs, it can be any organ, liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc. I am lucky to some degree, even though it does attack one of my organs it attacks the biggest organ in the body ... the skin. I am lucky that it is my skin and not an internal organ, there is no cure for Lupus, many people will need organ transplants, years of dialisis etc. At least with it attacking my skin I will not need any of these, just a premanant regime of anti-histamines and steriods. Below is a couple of pics of what it does to me ... they are not pretty, and people that do see it usually take a wide berth ... it is NOT contagious.


All these are terrible colouring, but it gives you an idea of what I can go through, they itch, they burn and they generally make me feel miserable. Most of the time it doesn't get this bad, once it has been worse.

I know these pics don't have a lot to do with D/s as such, but when I am like this there is NO play, no nothing, most people head for the hills never to be seen again when I have a flare up. Basically if my life was stress free these flare ups would be few and far between. It is hard to describe what it feels like, other than I want to rip my skin off. In summer it is worse because they make my skin so hot, the only good thing about summer is I can wrap my self in a cold, wet sarong, which relieves the burning and itching. All I want is someone to cuddle me and gently run their hand through my hair when I am like this, I just want to be held softly. That is one of the best stress relievers I have found so far. Unfortunately it rarely happens as when I have a flare people avoid me like I am a leper, no matter how much I tell them it is not contagious. :(

The flare up that I had this weekend, that is starting to subside now, it was to cold for a wet sarong, or a frozen towel, so I just sat in the bath with the shower running on me, for over an hour. It is the only relief I seem to be able to get and will only last as long at the water is running onto them. My moods when I am like this are diabolical, I snap at the littlest thing, usually because I can't sleep and when I do sleep it is not a restful sleep as I scratch in my sleep. When this first started I would wake up in the morning bleeding where I had scratched so much through the night, now not so much because as soon as I feel them coming on, I cut all my finger nails, right back so if I do scratch it is only my finger tips, not my finger nails.

So to help reduce this from happening I need to eliminate stress from my life, how does a person that is as highly strung and tense as myself eliminate stress??? I have no frecking idea, I have been trying to figure that on out for the last 9 years, nothing seems to help.

This blog was always meant to be about my journey as a submissive, in a way this is part of my journey, I am no less submissive when I am like this, although I am a lot more defiant when I am like this. It was meant to be about the good, the bad and the ugly. Well not a lot good about this, but definitely bad and ugly. Doesn't get much uglier than these pics lol

Fixed It!!!

And now it is fixed I should do some updating. A lot has happened since I last posted, 2 parties which I will post pics of on here, went to Melbourne in July for my birthday, met some awesome people, had a blast at Provocation, just generally had such a wonderful time that I decided to move there!!! 

So in 8 weeks time, I am leaving Perth and I can't wait. I have enjoyed my time here, learned a lot and met some fantastic people, but all in all it is time for me to move on. 

I know I haven't been great at keeping this updated, and well, it probably won't get another update before I move. As far as I am aware at this stage there will be no more parties before I go, which is a real shame, I was so looking forward to Halloween this year, had an awesome costume sorted out and everything :(

Here are the pics from May and June parties, and a few from the gorgeous Gypsy's birthday.

May 2012

 Me and the lovely Gypsy of course

 Me in my new corset, shame it doesn't fit quite right, but I love it all the same

 I love this pic, two of the most wonderful people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, I will miss them both when I leave. Master G and his gorgeous girl Gypsy.

 First try at blood cupping, what an experience!! Want more!! Thanks MasterG

 After the cups came off

 Another pic of these to wonderful people that I absolutely love (the pic and the people in it)

June 2010

 Just lil ole me

 Gypsy had to take lots of pics, she was just impressed that I had cleavage that I have never had before lol

 The two of us. I am so going to miss Gypsy :(

She really did have a thing for my cleavage and showed it off to everyone that cared to look ... yes she was showing MY cleavage of to all at the party, much impressed she was lol

 She just couldn't get enough of my boobies that night.

 Master G and his gorgeous girl Gypsy, and his wonderful sharp pointy handy work

 My needles by Master G, love them, but then I always do lol

Gypsy's Birthday.

So as it worked out, the day of Gypsy's actual birthday Master G was working night shift. Since he was working I told Gypsy as I was leaving their place the day before I would cook her dinner. To which she replied, "if I turn up at your place and you have a party hat on your head, I will kill you". So fast forward to the next day, I had an appointment after work, so went to that, then went home and put dinner on. I knew I had party hats left over from my daughters 21st, and since I wasn't allowed to wear one on my head ... I wore them on my boobies, the look on Gypsy's face when she walked through the door was priceless. I wish I had a camera set up ready to capture that moment, but it is one that I will remember for the rest of my days. Here's the pic's from that night and the night of her party.

No party hat on my head LOL

Love this pic, but hate that I forgot to take my glasses off

Party night Gypsy looks in her element, I look rather shocked ... which I wasn't, I know what she is like.

Having a good grope

I don't remember what she did, but obviously it was frecking hilarious

I broke it!!!

I have somehow managed to break my blog. All my photos have disappeared, because of this Ihave reverted a lot of my posts to draft status until I can reload the pics, Please bear with me while I try and fix it. If you find a post with missing pics I probably missed it but will get to it eventually.

That about sums my day up

My baby boy

Turned 20 last week, seems like just yesterday I was holding a screaming Buddha of a bundle in my arms, my perfect little boy, not 20 years ago.

I would like to say he has grown into a fine young man, but I can't because I don't know if he has or not. I have not seen him for almost 7 years, I have not spoken to him for 2 years, not from lack of trying, but because he chooses to ignore me. I can say he has done well for himself career-wise and is now a project manager for a web design firm in NZ, something he has shown a keen interest in since he was 8 or 9 years old. I only know this because I read it on facebook, I also know he classes his step mother as the only mother he has, also read on facebook.
Yes it tears me apart that we don't talk, it tears me apart that I have no idea as to why he has cut me out of his life, it tears me apart to see him telling his friends publicly for the world to read that his biological mother is dead. I guess he has his reasons, and one day in the future I may know what those reasons are.
Until then all I can do is continue to try and keep contacting him, it is up to him if he answers or not, I can't force him into doing something he doesn't want to do. I would like to know what it was I did 2 years ago to make him hate me as much as he does.
I love my kids more than they will ever know, they are my world and it breaks my heart to know I can't have them both here with me. I would give up my life to go back 10 years and change things, but I can't.

Am I a Masochist?

I was having a conversation with a Dom, about all sorts of things, and he asked me if I was a Masochist. I don't identify as a Masochist and told him so. 


I enjoy needles, fire play, some forms of fire play, have not tried many but have enjoyed what I have done, I enjoy violets wands, tens units and floggings.


My last play session consisted of 180 strikes of 2 different floggers, 80 bare handed spankings and some paddlings, that hardly left a mark on me ... I didn't feel any of them after the first 50 or so, but I counted them all. I was in heaven during them all.


So does that make me a Masochist? I have no idea, I thoroughly enjoyed that session, yet I don't like pain ... it hurts.


So instead of saying I am a Masochist, or I am not a Masochist, I told him maybe I am a Masochist in training?


Seriously though, what defines whether you are a Masochist or not? Someone care to enlighten me? It has me thinking now, and I don't like thinking, specially when I am as tired as I am. Maybe I am?


This whole conversation came about over a photo of me, he decided from the look on my face and in my eyes I was a Masochist. I have never really thought about it and have always said I'm not. Although others have told me I am. 


I'm all confuzzled now :(

I don't exsist

I meet a man, well sort of, have been chatting a man online for a while, so far he seems to be (almost) everything I have been looking for. Unfortunately he doesn't know I exsist apart from online chats.


I know my recent behaviour hasn't helped my cause, these stupid BPD episodes always screw things up. I need to take steps to get myself better. I need to learn the skills to stop my self-destructiveness.


All I really want is some one that is patient and understanding, someone Dominant, that can help calm me when something triggers me.


I am afraid my BPD will always be my undoing, because of it I will always be on my own. Because normal people don't understand, BPDers are to hard to handle, at least that is my perception of how others look at us.


Living with BPD is isolating, it is a very lonely life.

One day

One day:
I hope you will learn to appreciate all I have done for you,
I hope you will realise how much I gave up for you,
I hope you will feel the same unconditional love I felt for you,
I hope you will give me the respect I deserve from you,
I hope you will learn to be the adult I know you can be,
I hope you will follow your dreams and be truly happy,
I hope you will value all I have taught you.


Even though it may not seem it at times, even though we may be miles apart or in the same room, I love you my son and my daughter, with everything I have.

I don't want to do it anymore

I need to learn to control myself better when I have an episode.


I am afraid this time I have damaged even more friendships beyond repair and that doesn't help my current state of mind. 


Instead of posting here where I said I would post from now on, I have been posting on my fetlife wall again, and every one on my friends list sees what a fucked up unit I am. Apologising to them is not going to work, because I say sorry to often and if people hear it often enough they tend not to believe it after a while. There is no way of actually letting them know I am sorry. 


I don't want to drive people away, I value my friendships, both on and offline, there are people I have talked to online that I dearly want to meet one day in person, but I am afraid I have done to much damage, I have driven that wedge between us.


I don't want to behave the way I do, say the things I say, feel the way I feel, but I can't stop myself from doing it. There is no magic pill that will make it all go away, I just have to deal with it.


 My entire adult life I have driven people away because of my over-reaction to silly little things. I have had to change jobs because of my over-reaction to silly little things.


I just don't want to do it any more, I don't want to be me, I want to be normal. I just wish I could change.

I am a submissive woman

I came across this a very long time ago. I don't remember where or when as I have had it saved on my computer since I found it. It basically puts into words that which I have not been able to, it describes how I have felt in my previous relationships, and how I hope to feel once again in the future.

`author unknown`

I find pleasure, joy, and fulfilment from being submissive to my Master in a loving relationship.
I am not weak or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never will I be more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.
His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy…
His punishments may be harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high.
If He says I am His precious jewel, then I am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.
If He says that I am His pet, His slut, His whore, then I am that.. as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.
My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.
I have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself… and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided that I need, and so I learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel His presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than any physical anguish I feel.
I am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend His time and energy so freely on me.
I have the easier job, to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman.
I am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to my Master who has that strength, will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.
I am a submissive woman.

Forever alone

I can not get rid of this unsettled feeling I have these days, and I have no idea what has caused it. Just when things start to go right in my life, one little thing comes along a turns everything upside down and inside out. I am sick of everything going wrong. I am sick of all the negativity, I am sick of being alone, I am sick of being used, abused and taken for granted. I have been talking to a lot of people on different sites lately, many of them Dominant men, out of all the ones I have been speaking to there is really only one that I would like to get to know better, he doesn't want the same thing though. The others are great to talk to, some very knowledgeable and wise, but this one is the perfect package of what I seek. I know nothing will ever come from it and I am only fooling myself if I say or think otherwise. It is a shame.

I have a lot of doubts that I will ever find that perfect one for me. I am pretty sure I have encountered him, but he doesn't know I exist, at least not in the sense that I am worth anything more than email exchanges. That unfortunately is the extent of the lifestyle in WA. Plenty out there but the ones that I believe are suited to me either don't want anything more than email chats, a quick fuck or they are already attached, and I don't do poly!

Do the Math

I am easily amused, no more so than when I come across a profile on a BDSM site for Doms that expect subs to believe their lies. Or better yet the Dom's that can't do math. My lastest find is the 44 year old Dom that has been active in the lifestyle for 33 years, both in Australia and overseas ... nuff said.

Empty

I am feeling so very unsettled at the moment and am not sure why. What has happened in the last few weeks to cause my recent mood swings. I have been telling everyone it is due to stress, maybe I am even menopausal, do I believe either of those excuses? Nope I don't. I don't know why I am so angry, so sad, so distant, so maloncoly lately. I do know that I am struggling at the moment with my single life, for the  first time in 19 years I am really struggling with being single. I have had a few D/s relationships and have got over them all fairly well. However at the moment I feel there is just so much missing, I miss the direction, I miss the completeness, I miss the sting of a flogger, I just miss it all. I don't miss the person or the abuse, the neglect. I now realise more than ever before I miss having a Dom in my life, I feel so empty, I feel like I am nothing, I feel like I am worthless. I am in such a turmoil right now. I am nothing.

On a lighter note, here are some more pics for your viewing pleasure 

 I bought some new toys, unfortunately my relationship ended before I could use them. Above is my stainless steel Anal Hook, below a Ball Chain Flogger. Both handcrafted by Taipan Flesh 'n Steel

I have been having trouble with my shoulder, so Master G kindly offered to put the tens machine on it for me. This pic shows him tormenting me with it (and my laughing hystrically (what it doesn't show is Taipan egging him on and Gypsy laughing while taking pics.

I am so grateful to have wonderful friends in my life.

E_I Party April 2012

Another night of great conversation and great people. Another night of something crossed off my bucket list. Last night I tried fire play, definitely something I could enjoy and am looking forward to doing it again real soon. Next time I will try to remember to set my camera to continuous shoot so who ever happens to be using it doesn't need to worry about getting the timing of the shutter release right. Below are pics of me and the Gorgeous Gypsy (of course) and some of my fire play done by Master G.

My ideal life with a Dom

This is just some of how I imagine life would be for us. (even though there currently is no "us")


I want to be able to lay on the couch with my head in you lap or my legs across yours. I want to spend time together strolling along the beach, walking through the park, visiting markets. I want to be able to spend time with friends but I want you to be there with me sometimes spending time with them to. I want to hold BBQs or dinners or just relaxing nights at home with friends. I want to attend events and make you proud to call me yours. I want to hear you call me by what ever pet name you choose for me, if you choose one. I want to make you coffee in the morning, have a fluffy towel waiting for you after you shower, cook meals for you. I want to laugh with you, talk with you, not feel ashamed or embarrassed to cry in front of you, I want to be able to get angry around you when things get to much for me and not have you walk away from me. I want you to hold me and tell me everything will work out, I want to know you are there for me and with me through thick and then. I want to love you and have that love returned. I want to have fun with you. I want everyone I know to know you because you are the one that makes me happy, you are the one that I am devoted to, you are the one I adore and I want everyone to see that. 


This is just some of what I want, more will be added as I think of it no doubt.

Content as I can be for now

I am feeling good about myself at the moment, life at work is starting to improve, still extremely stressful but improving all the same. On the kink side of my life I am feeling some what pleased with myself, I have handled the recent breakdown of my D/s relationship a lot better than I thought I would, even though I have had a few dark moments. I don't miss him like I thought I would, but that is probably because of the fact he had been ignoring me for weeks and I had only seen him a few times in the last 8 weeks of our relationship. My encouragement comes from the messages I have been getting from complete strangers. Telling me what a beautiful woman I am, how intelligent I am, what a well written profile I have, how honest I am about what I want, what I have done, what I want to do. It just gives me the warm fuzzies and puts a smile back on my subbie face. It is a shame most of those messages are coming from interstate or overseas, but it is good all the same.

Roller-coaster, few weeks

I haven't posted here for a few weeks, mainly because my life has been somewhat turbulent. In a nut shell, we had a play party last week and I got to experience silk suspension, and loved it, one thing off my bucket list. As anyone who has been reading my posts will know, things haven't been smooth sailing in my relationship. Well that is no longer an issue, he doesn't want me any longer, some female on the other side of the world (words on a screen) became more important to him than I was. So going back to a previous post Fifth RL experience ... Sir E awaiting outcome. Outcome is, it is over. So I pick myself up, dust myself off and move on with my life. Will there be a sixth RL experience ... Sir F? yes there will be, one day when I find him. Although I know I need a Dom/Master in my life, I also know I can survive just as well without one. I miss the play, I miss the company, really I miss everything about the relationship and yes to a degree I miss him, even with the hell he put me through for the last 8 weeks. One day I will find the elusive one, I will not allow Sir E to make me become bitter about D types.

My bucket list

It was suggested that I make a bucket list of all the things I want to try and cross them off the list as I attempt them, so I have decided to make my list here, that way it is easy to add to it as I find more things and cross them off as I do them. At the moment the list is very short, it has been a stressful few weeks and my brain isn't really functioning to well. This list might not seem like much to some, but it is MY list no one else's. These are all things I have not done before or have had done but in the wrong way, so wanting to try them again with someone more trusted. 

So here goes.

Knife Play

Fire Play Done will definitely  do it again

Blood Cupping Done will definitely  do it again

Rope Suspension

Silk Suspension Done loved it and will do it again

Impact Play

Canes?

Wax Play

E_I Party Feb 2012

Yes I have started taking pics of the parties again. I looked through all the pics on my laptop and realised i had several parties where no pics were taken, some because I didn't attend, others because I was not in the right space to take pics. I have decided no matter what, along with crossing things of my bucket list slowly, pics will be taken every party!!! So in Feb I crossed silk suspension of my bucket list, below are some pics of my silk suspension as well as pics of me and the ever so wonderful Gypsy, the best friend any one could ever wish for, without her in my life to help and support me along my turbulent path I would probably not still be here, I have so much to thank her and Master G for, I can not begin to thank them enough for the support, love and care they have shown me over the last 4 years. A friendship like no other and completely platonic, no expectations, no demands, just pure unconditional friendship.

 Me and the most gorgeous girl in the world .... Gypsy

 It isn't often I have gropeable boobies, so they had to have a grope

 Yes I was enjoying myself

 Just chillin

 Hellooooo back there :P

 Back on solid ground, one veryyyy happy lil puppett

 Inverted silk suspension

 One gorgeous lady on the trapeze

Cheeky Tart decided my ass needed paddling while I was on the trapeze

And finally, a photo taken by RN43, Me on the trapeze. One of the very few photos I like of myself

Shattered

Why do people have to interfere in others lives? What do they have to gain by it? Why am I the one that always suffers for someone else's actions? I am over it, I can't do it any more. Just when everything in my life starts going right someone comes along and fucks it up for me. No more, it has happened for the last time. I resign myself to the fact I am going to grow old alone. There will never be another in my life. I will not allow another man to crush my heart and soul ever again. It has happened for the last time!!!!




R.I.P Baby nephew, stillborn 18/02/1999 . Marc Robert playing in gods garden with his big brother. xxx

Insecure

I am feeling very unwanted and insecure at the moment, I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach for about 6 weeks now and I just can't seem to shake it. I have tried talking to Sir, but we either end up fighting or he ignores me, which is not helping my current feelings. I am hoping once we have sat down and had a real talk about things later this week my feelings will settle down a bit. Will just have to wait and see. It is just so hard not seeing him as often as I use to, I miss him and the fun and laughs we use to have.

Current mood/feeling: Unsettled

Forgiveness

It can be easy to forgive others for the wrongs they have done to us. Just because you forgive someone for something does not mean you have to forget what they did you you. But what about when it comes to forgiving ourselves? What happens when we have wronged ourselves or others? How does one forgive themselves? 

Without self forgiveness we become racked with guilt, guilt is an unhealthy emotion that eats us inside and until we can forgive ourselves it will continue to eat away at us.

Without forgiveness there is no freedom.

I have done many thing in the past that have hurt no one but myself, self sabotage really. I know I need to let go and forgive myself for the wrongs I have done, what I don't know is how to do this.

Current emotion/feeling: helpless

Darkness Prevails

For some reason I have done a complete circle and come back to that dark hole in my life, there is a little light in it now, but only a very small glimmer.It all started 2 days after Miss Thing moved back from NZ, now I am in no way saying this hole is daughters fault, just timing really.

Things have been getting progressively worse, mainly at work and within my relationship. I am over stressed at work, and they have now decided to move me to another branch, I am less than happy with this, I would actually rather live on the street than be moved to where they are putting me. Stress is not something I deal with to well, in fact I don't deal with it at all.

My relationship took a serious hit last week, when I said something and we ended up in a big bitch fight via text message, that was not the start of it, that was basically what pushed me over the edge of my hole. I have felt Sir growing more and more distant from me for several weeks now and I am unsure what to do about it. Part of me is saying hang in there while another part of me is saying it is over. I don't want to believe the latter part of me. Sir came around last night after work, first time I have seen him in 2 weeks. We talked about what happened last week and why I reacted the way I did. Then we sat for a while and talk about life in general, work, kids, everyday stuff. After that, I cant even begin to say what took place, but I was in a happy place, I was contented once again, even for a little while. 

We only had 3 hours sleep before he had to get up and go back to work. I was shattered all day, I need at least 8 hours sleep to be able to fully function, even though I am running on an average of 6 hours a night at the moment. I went to lay down for a little while this afternoon and think about things, and woke up 3 hours later, very unlike me to fall asleep through the day, it messes with my night sleep.

I am still unsure where our  relationship is going, but hope to be able to sit down with Sir through the week and talk about it all. I know I have only seen a little percentage of what Sir is really like when it comes to lifestyle and I hope to see more, although I want to see more it scares me a little. Really just a  fear of the unknown.

Current feeling/mood: Shattered

RIP Baby Nephew - Peter Leigh 24/12/1992 - 10/2/1993 - Playing in Gods garden with his baby brother Marc Robert xxx

Worrying Times

It has been a week since Sir and I had our first real fight, in that week I have said some truly regretful things. I can't take back what I said, I can't sugar coat what I said. and what I said will not just disappear into thing air. The last week I have been at my lowest in a long time, I was all ready on a downward spiral with the stress of work and my daughter, but they way I felt about what happened last Thursday night made it 100 times worse. 

We still haven't talked and cleared the air, we have sent text messages back and forward, nowhere near as many as normal and to me they seemed very strained, I am hoping over the weekend we can sit and talk about some very important issues we have never spoken about before, but things that need to be spoken about in a D/s or M/s relationship. My biggest fear this entire week is that I am going to lose Sir. I can't imagine my life without him, even though we have only been together a few months. I just can't imagine Him not being part of my life. I care very deeply for Him and would do almost anything to prove that. I thought I loved him, but now I am not so sure, after such a short time is it possible? Is there really such a thing as love? Or is it just extremely strong feelings? I don't have the answers tonight, I don't know if I will ever have the answers. Do any of us?

I am a little bit nervous about seeing Sir tomorrow night, because it will be the first time I have seen him since I caused the argument between us. Yes I deserve to be punished, believe me I have punished myself far more this week than anyone else could of, Sir has punished me, even if he doesn't realise it, but the lack of contact this week has been punishment enough for me, even if it hasn't been deliberate. I do not deal with being ignored at all well. I get an overwhelming feeling of being abandoned again and that is something I have just never been able to come to terms with. I doubt I ever will.



Current mood/feeling: Apprehensive

Monday - Friday sux

Today has not been a particularly good day. I didn't sleep well last night, only 4 hours sleep. Had an early start at work and an interview this afternoon. Interview went well I think, but I will just have to wait and see. Am tempted to take the job just to get me out of where I am, but it means taking a $5000 a year pay cut. My other option is to send my resume through to our competition and see if I can get a job there. My main issue with my job other than lack of support and training is the heavy lifting. Since I injured my shoulder 18 months ago and my back a little over a year ago I just can't do the heavy lifting anymore. Currently I am expected to lift anything from a small bolt to a 65kg (empty) gas cylinder, a lot heavier when full. I am just to old to do it anymore. 

I told Sir today I will throw my job in and live on the street before I go to the store they are moving me to, to which I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to throw my job in without having another first. I will not say here what I thought about that, but I will say it was very much unsubbie like. I have run out of sick leave because I have had so much time off work. I have had so much time off work because I HATE where I work. Hate the people, hate the company, hate everything about it, but love the actual job, and I am going to miss my customers.

So frecking tired tonight, I need to go to sleep.


Current Mood/Feeling: Exhausted

Que Sear, Sera

I am having a hard time dealing with things at the moment. I don't know where to turn or who to talk to any more. I am not sure who I can trust, if I can trust anyone. My trust has been shattered into a million pieces once again. I want to write unconditionally exactly what my thoughts and feelings are, on here, but I am unable to for fear of the repercussions they may cause. Even though they are MY thoughts and MY feelings. I know if I write exactly what is on my mind I will suffer some terrible consequences, and I live in fear of what they may be.


I have been reading another blog lately, about a M/s couples' journey and as I read through it I laugh with them, and then feel a great deal of sadness and wonder if I will ever have the sort of relationship they have. She was badly mistreated by an abusive Master,  the one she is now with has lead her on a journey of healing, it has taken her a long time to trust him, believe in him and give herself to him in every way possible. With his help, understanding and guidance, she is now almost balanced. As she puts it, she is only a little broken now, but he is helping her to mend the brokeness(I know it's not a word but it's my word).


That is what I want, I  want someone that will lead me, guide me and help me mend my brokeness, because like her I am sick of feeling broken. I am sick of the abuse at a Doms hands, I am not talking physical abuse either, I am talking mental and emotional abuse. Why is it that all these so call Doms disappear with their tails between their legs at the first sign of trouble?


I know I can be difficult, fuck there are times I can't stand to be with me, that is the BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) something I never hide from a Dom, why would I, when I know at some point it is going to rear it's ugly head. They all tell me the same thing ... we will get through it when it happens, I won't run away at the first sign of trouble. FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! Each and every fucking one does. It is not something I am proud of, it is not something I can control, it is something I have to live with. Sick of getting no fucking support from the ones that promise to be there to support me.


It is OK to be ANGRY
It is OK to be HURT
It is OK to get FRUSTRATED
They are MY feelings, and MINE alone.


Do NOT assume that what I have written here is about any one person because it is NOT, it is about ALMOST all of the Doms I have been involved with since discovering this lifestyle. All I want is a healthy, consensual D/s relationship and all that it entails. Is that to much to ask for? Seems it is. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever find what I crave?


Let me give you a bit of insight into what lead me to this point, in the 8 years or so since I found this lifestyle below is a brief outline of all my RL experiences.


First RL  experience.Sir A, put a harness with an attached collar that was miles to big, I could slip my head out of the collar without undoing it, had me on the floor, arse up, face down and started flogging me. It did nothing for me, it bored me to tears, the whole time I yawned and thought are you done yet? Session ended, I got up, got dressed, left and never saw Sir A again.


Second RL experience, Canes are a hard limit, something I have always made loud and clear to all Doms. So, have a few play sessions with Sir B, nothing untoward, no boundaries crossed, all is good. Then one day Sir B has me cuffed to a cross and blindfolded, now after he finishes giving me a flogging I hear "I am only going to do this once" I don't recall if I asked what or if I said nothing. All I remember was being hit full strength on the crease where my legs join my butt with a fucking cane. The shear burning pain I felt I still can not to this day describe or get out of my mind. NEVER again was Sir B allowed near me.


Third RL experience. Sir C, calls and asks me to his place for coffee and chat, so off I go. We talk we drink coffee, we smoke cigarettes all is good. He tells me to sit on the seat and not move, he'll be back in a moment. So I sat and sat and sat and he never returned. To scared to move as I didn't know what consequences would await me if I did, so on the chair, curled up in a ball all night long. He gets up in the morning and says oh you are still there, why didn't you come to bed? Because you told me to stay fucking put until you returned!!!!!. Time goes on with much of the same behaviour and yes I have major abandonment issues that date back to when I was a child but that is another story. Every week I get orders from Sir C, every week I comply, every week we arrange to meet, every week he sends me a text cancelling as I am heading out the door, reschedule for tomorrow again I comply, or arranges  to come to my place and never turns up, always saying he got busy and forgot. Then I get to his place one day we have an intense session, all seems fine, I head home, and bam the next day I have feelings that I have no idea where they came from, sudden onset of depression (I always know when my depression is coming on), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of panic, feelings of abandonment etc etc etc. So I ring to talk to Sir C and what response do I get. Well what do you expect me to do about it, I am out of town(did not know he was heading out of town the next day), deal with it yourself, read this website, promptly sending me a site to sub-drop, something I had never experienced or even heard of before. For over 2 years I put up with this behaviour, the whole time hoping, wishing, praying it would change. The sub-drop session was the last time I ever saw him.


Fourth RL experience. Sir D. Meet on an on-line site, chatted somewhat and discovered he was a friend of a friend. So I contacted said friend and asked about Sir D. Yeah good bloke I get told, had no reason to doubt friends words, trust friend completely even to this day almost 3 years later, still trust him completely. However I digress. So Sir D and I decide to start a relationship, all goes really well for the first 4 weeks, then he has family issues to deal with, (ex wife tried suicide), needs to go and be with the (grown) kids and grandchild. Now I would NEVER stand between anyone and their children, family is important. So all is fine, we talk on the phone daily, he comes and sees me as much as he is able, then bam, nothing, no phone calls, no text messages, nothing for 2 weeks. Then he pops up again, things go back to talking daily, texting daily, all is good again, except now I am lucky if I see him once every 3 or 4 weeks or more. Friend is mortified by this because it is so out of character for Sir D to be like this. None the less, long story short, I am left dangling on a string, being told how much I am wanted, cared about, and loved and soon this will all be over and we can be together. Then BAM again, no contact for 3 months. Then when contact resumes I start getting odd phone calls and abusive text messages from one of his daughters. The whole time he was with me, except for 3 days, he was living with his wife. It was one lie after another. It took me 2 years and many lost friendships to get over Sir D and finally decide to move on and try to trust another.


Fifth RL experience. Sir E .... is pending the outcome. Que Sera, Sera


These men manipulated me - not in a good way, they played mind games with me - not in a good way, the played with my feelings - not in a good way, they took trust from me - not in a good way, they had little regard for my well being, mentally emotionally and to some degree physically, one of them even raped me, that is something I have never mentioned to anyone. And not one of these men were ever there when I needed them the most. My journey thus far has not been a very positive one. Do I throw it all away and go back to being nilla? Hell no, can't do it, I am submissive, in fact extremely submissive with the right Dom in my life. Is Sir E the right one? That is yet to be seen, but given passed experiences, I am a little more than cautious, and so far I have not allowed my true submission to surface for fear of history repeating. Please remember the above is only a tiny part of these relationships.










current mood/feeling: scared