My bucket list

It was suggested that I make a bucket list of all the things I want to try and cross them off the list as I attempt them, so I have decided to make my list here, that way it is easy to add to it as I find more things and cross them off as I do them. At the moment the list is very short, it has been a stressful few weeks and my brain isn't really functioning to well. This list might not seem like much to some, but it is MY list no one else's. These are all things I have not done before or have had done but in the wrong way, so wanting to try them again with someone more trusted. 

So here goes.

Knife Play

Fire Play Done will definitely  do it again

Blood Cupping Done will definitely  do it again

Rope Suspension

Silk Suspension Done loved it and will do it again

Impact Play

Canes?

Wax Play

E_I Party Feb 2012

Yes I have started taking pics of the parties again. I looked through all the pics on my laptop and realised i had several parties where no pics were taken, some because I didn't attend, others because I was not in the right space to take pics. I have decided no matter what, along with crossing things of my bucket list slowly, pics will be taken every party!!! So in Feb I crossed silk suspension of my bucket list, below are some pics of my silk suspension as well as pics of me and the ever so wonderful Gypsy, the best friend any one could ever wish for, without her in my life to help and support me along my turbulent path I would probably not still be here, I have so much to thank her and Master G for, I can not begin to thank them enough for the support, love and care they have shown me over the last 4 years. A friendship like no other and completely platonic, no expectations, no demands, just pure unconditional friendship.

 Me and the most gorgeous girl in the world .... Gypsy

 It isn't often I have gropeable boobies, so they had to have a grope

 Yes I was enjoying myself

 Just chillin

 Hellooooo back there :P

 Back on solid ground, one veryyyy happy lil puppett

 Inverted silk suspension

 One gorgeous lady on the trapeze

Cheeky Tart decided my ass needed paddling while I was on the trapeze

And finally, a photo taken by RN43, Me on the trapeze. One of the very few photos I like of myself

Shattered

Why do people have to interfere in others lives? What do they have to gain by it? Why am I the one that always suffers for someone else's actions? I am over it, I can't do it any more. Just when everything in my life starts going right someone comes along and fucks it up for me. No more, it has happened for the last time. I resign myself to the fact I am going to grow old alone. There will never be another in my life. I will not allow another man to crush my heart and soul ever again. It has happened for the last time!!!!




R.I.P Baby nephew, stillborn 18/02/1999 . Marc Robert playing in gods garden with his big brother. xxx

Insecure

I am feeling very unwanted and insecure at the moment, I have had this feeling in the pit of my stomach for about 6 weeks now and I just can't seem to shake it. I have tried talking to Sir, but we either end up fighting or he ignores me, which is not helping my current feelings. I am hoping once we have sat down and had a real talk about things later this week my feelings will settle down a bit. Will just have to wait and see. It is just so hard not seeing him as often as I use to, I miss him and the fun and laughs we use to have.

Current mood/feeling: Unsettled

Forgiveness

It can be easy to forgive others for the wrongs they have done to us. Just because you forgive someone for something does not mean you have to forget what they did you you. But what about when it comes to forgiving ourselves? What happens when we have wronged ourselves or others? How does one forgive themselves? 

Without self forgiveness we become racked with guilt, guilt is an unhealthy emotion that eats us inside and until we can forgive ourselves it will continue to eat away at us.

Without forgiveness there is no freedom.

I have done many thing in the past that have hurt no one but myself, self sabotage really. I know I need to let go and forgive myself for the wrongs I have done, what I don't know is how to do this.

Current emotion/feeling: helpless

Darkness Prevails

For some reason I have done a complete circle and come back to that dark hole in my life, there is a little light in it now, but only a very small glimmer.It all started 2 days after Miss Thing moved back from NZ, now I am in no way saying this hole is daughters fault, just timing really.

Things have been getting progressively worse, mainly at work and within my relationship. I am over stressed at work, and they have now decided to move me to another branch, I am less than happy with this, I would actually rather live on the street than be moved to where they are putting me. Stress is not something I deal with to well, in fact I don't deal with it at all.

My relationship took a serious hit last week, when I said something and we ended up in a big bitch fight via text message, that was not the start of it, that was basically what pushed me over the edge of my hole. I have felt Sir growing more and more distant from me for several weeks now and I am unsure what to do about it. Part of me is saying hang in there while another part of me is saying it is over. I don't want to believe the latter part of me. Sir came around last night after work, first time I have seen him in 2 weeks. We talked about what happened last week and why I reacted the way I did. Then we sat for a while and talk about life in general, work, kids, everyday stuff. After that, I cant even begin to say what took place, but I was in a happy place, I was contented once again, even for a little while. 

We only had 3 hours sleep before he had to get up and go back to work. I was shattered all day, I need at least 8 hours sleep to be able to fully function, even though I am running on an average of 6 hours a night at the moment. I went to lay down for a little while this afternoon and think about things, and woke up 3 hours later, very unlike me to fall asleep through the day, it messes with my night sleep.

I am still unsure where our  relationship is going, but hope to be able to sit down with Sir through the week and talk about it all. I know I have only seen a little percentage of what Sir is really like when it comes to lifestyle and I hope to see more, although I want to see more it scares me a little. Really just a  fear of the unknown.

Current feeling/mood: Shattered

RIP Baby Nephew - Peter Leigh 24/12/1992 - 10/2/1993 - Playing in Gods garden with his baby brother Marc Robert xxx

Worrying Times

It has been a week since Sir and I had our first real fight, in that week I have said some truly regretful things. I can't take back what I said, I can't sugar coat what I said. and what I said will not just disappear into thing air. The last week I have been at my lowest in a long time, I was all ready on a downward spiral with the stress of work and my daughter, but they way I felt about what happened last Thursday night made it 100 times worse. 

We still haven't talked and cleared the air, we have sent text messages back and forward, nowhere near as many as normal and to me they seemed very strained, I am hoping over the weekend we can sit and talk about some very important issues we have never spoken about before, but things that need to be spoken about in a D/s or M/s relationship. My biggest fear this entire week is that I am going to lose Sir. I can't imagine my life without him, even though we have only been together a few months. I just can't imagine Him not being part of my life. I care very deeply for Him and would do almost anything to prove that. I thought I loved him, but now I am not so sure, after such a short time is it possible? Is there really such a thing as love? Or is it just extremely strong feelings? I don't have the answers tonight, I don't know if I will ever have the answers. Do any of us?

I am a little bit nervous about seeing Sir tomorrow night, because it will be the first time I have seen him since I caused the argument between us. Yes I deserve to be punished, believe me I have punished myself far more this week than anyone else could of, Sir has punished me, even if he doesn't realise it, but the lack of contact this week has been punishment enough for me, even if it hasn't been deliberate. I do not deal with being ignored at all well. I get an overwhelming feeling of being abandoned again and that is something I have just never been able to come to terms with. I doubt I ever will.



Current mood/feeling: Apprehensive

Monday - Friday sux

Today has not been a particularly good day. I didn't sleep well last night, only 4 hours sleep. Had an early start at work and an interview this afternoon. Interview went well I think, but I will just have to wait and see. Am tempted to take the job just to get me out of where I am, but it means taking a $5000 a year pay cut. My other option is to send my resume through to our competition and see if I can get a job there. My main issue with my job other than lack of support and training is the heavy lifting. Since I injured my shoulder 18 months ago and my back a little over a year ago I just can't do the heavy lifting anymore. Currently I am expected to lift anything from a small bolt to a 65kg (empty) gas cylinder, a lot heavier when full. I am just to old to do it anymore. 

I told Sir today I will throw my job in and live on the street before I go to the store they are moving me to, to which I was told in no uncertain terms that I was not to throw my job in without having another first. I will not say here what I thought about that, but I will say it was very much unsubbie like. I have run out of sick leave because I have had so much time off work. I have had so much time off work because I HATE where I work. Hate the people, hate the company, hate everything about it, but love the actual job, and I am going to miss my customers.

So frecking tired tonight, I need to go to sleep.


Current Mood/Feeling: Exhausted

Que Sear, Sera

I am having a hard time dealing with things at the moment. I don't know where to turn or who to talk to any more. I am not sure who I can trust, if I can trust anyone. My trust has been shattered into a million pieces once again. I want to write unconditionally exactly what my thoughts and feelings are, on here, but I am unable to for fear of the repercussions they may cause. Even though they are MY thoughts and MY feelings. I know if I write exactly what is on my mind I will suffer some terrible consequences, and I live in fear of what they may be.


I have been reading another blog lately, about a M/s couples' journey and as I read through it I laugh with them, and then feel a great deal of sadness and wonder if I will ever have the sort of relationship they have. She was badly mistreated by an abusive Master,  the one she is now with has lead her on a journey of healing, it has taken her a long time to trust him, believe in him and give herself to him in every way possible. With his help, understanding and guidance, she is now almost balanced. As she puts it, she is only a little broken now, but he is helping her to mend the brokeness(I know it's not a word but it's my word).


That is what I want, I  want someone that will lead me, guide me and help me mend my brokeness, because like her I am sick of feeling broken. I am sick of the abuse at a Doms hands, I am not talking physical abuse either, I am talking mental and emotional abuse. Why is it that all these so call Doms disappear with their tails between their legs at the first sign of trouble?


I know I can be difficult, fuck there are times I can't stand to be with me, that is the BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) something I never hide from a Dom, why would I, when I know at some point it is going to rear it's ugly head. They all tell me the same thing ... we will get through it when it happens, I won't run away at the first sign of trouble. FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! Each and every fucking one does. It is not something I am proud of, it is not something I can control, it is something I have to live with. Sick of getting no fucking support from the ones that promise to be there to support me.


It is OK to be ANGRY
It is OK to be HURT
It is OK to get FRUSTRATED
They are MY feelings, and MINE alone.


Do NOT assume that what I have written here is about any one person because it is NOT, it is about ALMOST all of the Doms I have been involved with since discovering this lifestyle. All I want is a healthy, consensual D/s relationship and all that it entails. Is that to much to ask for? Seems it is. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever find what I crave?


Let me give you a bit of insight into what lead me to this point, in the 8 years or so since I found this lifestyle below is a brief outline of all my RL experiences.


First RL  experience.Sir A, put a harness with an attached collar that was miles to big, I could slip my head out of the collar without undoing it, had me on the floor, arse up, face down and started flogging me. It did nothing for me, it bored me to tears, the whole time I yawned and thought are you done yet? Session ended, I got up, got dressed, left and never saw Sir A again.


Second RL experience, Canes are a hard limit, something I have always made loud and clear to all Doms. So, have a few play sessions with Sir B, nothing untoward, no boundaries crossed, all is good. Then one day Sir B has me cuffed to a cross and blindfolded, now after he finishes giving me a flogging I hear "I am only going to do this once" I don't recall if I asked what or if I said nothing. All I remember was being hit full strength on the crease where my legs join my butt with a fucking cane. The shear burning pain I felt I still can not to this day describe or get out of my mind. NEVER again was Sir B allowed near me.


Third RL experience. Sir C, calls and asks me to his place for coffee and chat, so off I go. We talk we drink coffee, we smoke cigarettes all is good. He tells me to sit on the seat and not move, he'll be back in a moment. So I sat and sat and sat and he never returned. To scared to move as I didn't know what consequences would await me if I did, so on the chair, curled up in a ball all night long. He gets up in the morning and says oh you are still there, why didn't you come to bed? Because you told me to stay fucking put until you returned!!!!!. Time goes on with much of the same behaviour and yes I have major abandonment issues that date back to when I was a child but that is another story. Every week I get orders from Sir C, every week I comply, every week we arrange to meet, every week he sends me a text cancelling as I am heading out the door, reschedule for tomorrow again I comply, or arranges  to come to my place and never turns up, always saying he got busy and forgot. Then I get to his place one day we have an intense session, all seems fine, I head home, and bam the next day I have feelings that I have no idea where they came from, sudden onset of depression (I always know when my depression is coming on), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of panic, feelings of abandonment etc etc etc. So I ring to talk to Sir C and what response do I get. Well what do you expect me to do about it, I am out of town(did not know he was heading out of town the next day), deal with it yourself, read this website, promptly sending me a site to sub-drop, something I had never experienced or even heard of before. For over 2 years I put up with this behaviour, the whole time hoping, wishing, praying it would change. The sub-drop session was the last time I ever saw him.


Fourth RL experience. Sir D. Meet on an on-line site, chatted somewhat and discovered he was a friend of a friend. So I contacted said friend and asked about Sir D. Yeah good bloke I get told, had no reason to doubt friends words, trust friend completely even to this day almost 3 years later, still trust him completely. However I digress. So Sir D and I decide to start a relationship, all goes really well for the first 4 weeks, then he has family issues to deal with, (ex wife tried suicide), needs to go and be with the (grown) kids and grandchild. Now I would NEVER stand between anyone and their children, family is important. So all is fine, we talk on the phone daily, he comes and sees me as much as he is able, then bam, nothing, no phone calls, no text messages, nothing for 2 weeks. Then he pops up again, things go back to talking daily, texting daily, all is good again, except now I am lucky if I see him once every 3 or 4 weeks or more. Friend is mortified by this because it is so out of character for Sir D to be like this. None the less, long story short, I am left dangling on a string, being told how much I am wanted, cared about, and loved and soon this will all be over and we can be together. Then BAM again, no contact for 3 months. Then when contact resumes I start getting odd phone calls and abusive text messages from one of his daughters. The whole time he was with me, except for 3 days, he was living with his wife. It was one lie after another. It took me 2 years and many lost friendships to get over Sir D and finally decide to move on and try to trust another.


Fifth RL experience. Sir E .... is pending the outcome. Que Sera, Sera


These men manipulated me - not in a good way, they played mind games with me - not in a good way, the played with my feelings - not in a good way, they took trust from me - not in a good way, they had little regard for my well being, mentally emotionally and to some degree physically, one of them even raped me, that is something I have never mentioned to anyone. And not one of these men were ever there when I needed them the most. My journey thus far has not been a very positive one. Do I throw it all away and go back to being nilla? Hell no, can't do it, I am submissive, in fact extremely submissive with the right Dom in my life. Is Sir E the right one? That is yet to be seen, but given passed experiences, I am a little more than cautious, and so far I have not allowed my true submission to surface for fear of history repeating. Please remember the above is only a tiny part of these relationships.










current mood/feeling: scared

What I Need From You

Understand my faults, help me try to change them because I don't like them.
Patience and understanding, because I'm just trying to learn.
Start as you mean to continue, sudden change confuses me.
Strength, because sometimes I don't feel strong enough to get through the dark times.
Reassurance, because sometimes I get lost.
Consistency, again sudden change just confuses me.
Open communication, talk to me about everything, it helps build trust.
Encourage me to talk, even if I say I cannot put something into words.
Care for my mental health as well as my physical, my mental health is more vulnerable.
Make sure I take care of myself, because often I forget.
Push my limits, I am still learning what and where mine are.
Be completely honest with me, about everything, even if it will hurt me. I can't trust you if there is any doubt in my mind.
Let me worship you because you are the world to me.
Listen to me when I talk, I just want to be heard.
To be held, because sometimes I just need to know you are there, I fear abandonment.
Say my name or the name you have given me, because I need to hear it, often.
Help me to become the person I know I can be.
Always remember with your guidance it is possible for me to be more than even you could ever imagine.

Yes I shall continue to add to my list as things pop into my head.

Am I Sub or Slave?

Sub vs Slave, It is an age old argument, one that has been going on for generations, one there will never be a right or wrong answer for.

So am I a sub or a slave? I have always identified as a sub, mainly because of what I had read/heard/seen about/of slaves. However the more I learn about this life I choose to lead, the more I learn about myself, I have come to the conclusion that I am a little of both, more submissive than slave however.

The question/statement/task was ... How can you determine if you're a submissive or a slave? Have a think about submissive and slave as your inner self that has no association to BDSM. Food for thought really.

So I thought about it, not long and not hard, because lately it seems to be all I do think about. Just recently I have been looking at myself in the mirror trying to work out if I really am a sub or if it is just another "fad" (for want of a better word). I have been examining my inner self, trying to work out exactly where I fit in.

Submissive/slave/masochist/Dominant/Master/Sadist etc etc etc, now they are all just labels. So back to the original reason for this post. Think about submissive and slave as your inner self that has no association to BDSM.

I have thought long and hard about why I am what I am. I was sub/slave long before I new what the labels were. I have from a very early age, as long as I can remember, been a submissive/slave. It isn't something I woke up with one day. I have always, even as a child sought someone to take control, someone to guide me, someone to please, someone to serve. More so when I became interested in boys and started dating in my teens.

I still don't know why I am what I am, it is just who I am. Just as someone has a dominant personality, I have a submissive personality.

Even away from BDSM I have the desire to please, to serve, to obey, to be controlled (to a point and with negotiation), to be guided, to be nurtured, to be taught to be all I can be as a person.

And once again, I will more than likely edited this as I think of more.

Halloween, Better late than never

As promised some photos from Halloween 2011. I know they are a little late, but better late than never :-) Things have not been great since before Halloween so my blog has kind of been the last thing on my mind. I had so much fun making my Zombie Bride costume, I do love Halloween and already have next Halloweens costume figured out ... It's going to be fun ...

Meet Hairy Harry, keeping an eye on the main play area

Apparently Mr E_I himself curses the use of these cobwebs

Gypsy and I have a lot of fun decorating for Halloween

The clown skeleton Gypsy and I painted ... MasterG made his clown suit

Pirate skeleton Gypsy and I painted, MasterG made his pirate clothes

The Bride and the Beautiful (Evil Lady) Luvs her much

With friends like this evil one stabbing me it is no wonder I looked like I did on the night

Evil but beautiful Gypsy and her friends

Mr Pumpkin Butt

Gorgeous Evil Gypsy, Zombie Bride me and the most Beautiful Bee

Bits n Bobs

3.30am and I can't sleep, am absolutely exhausted, but my brain just won't shut down. Thinking about all that has happened recently, all the stress in my life over the last month, and not having anyone around to help me deal with it. All I ever really need is someone that can help me deal with the stress and I reckon I would ride it out a lot better than I do now. Not even really anyone to help me deal with it, but someone to reassure me that things will turn out ok. That I will get to the other side in one piece. I have hurt someone a great deal this week and no matter how much I tell them I didn't mean it, it just doesn't seem to matter. I didn't do it intentionally, I would never hurt anyone intentionally, I could never hurt anyone intentionally. I just hope they can eventually forgive me because I don't want them out of my life. I would do anything to prove how sorry I am.

Anyway enough snivelling. Time to reflect.

Saturday night after we got home from E_I Sir and I had a really good play session, I took a lot more than I thought I would or more to the point, than I thought I could. I actually got to the point where I just didn't feel any pain. I know as a sadist he has gone easy on me so far, but there are times that I wish he would push me just a little at a time to see how far I can go. I have not had a lot of experience, I say I don't like pain, but in reality, I don't know if I do or not. I would like to see how far I can go with a lot of things. There are a lot of things I would like to try that I have never tried, there are a lot of things I haven't done for a long time that I would like to do again. Because I get embarrassed easily I find it hard to bring the subject up, and when it does come up I don't know what to say. There are things that Sir does to me that he thinks I don't like, but it isn't that I don't like then it i just that I haven't done them for a long time and it will take me a little while to get use to them again. There are some things that I had done to me that scare me half to death, but I would still like Sir to try them, it is a mind over matter kind of thing. I know I can overcome my fears if Sir is prepared to have a little patience with me. I also know it is really hard right now with things that are going on outside our relationship including my daughter now living in the same house as me.

Don't judge me for the things I am curious about that I will list here, or the things I want to try that I haven't tried before or have tried in the past and was made to fear them. There will be some things I list that people won't agree with, but it is my life, and if Sir is happy to lead me to these new experiences then I will follow eagerly.

Here are a couple of photos from Sirs handy work

 First 50 bare handed spanks

 Then 180 -200 of the best with His suede floggers

As you can see from the pics I don't mark easily

Some of the things I am scared of but want to try are:

Canes

knife play

fire play

cutting?

wax

breast torture

whips

Some of the things I would like to get use to again that I had bad experiences with in the past:

Hair pulling

Biting

humiliation (private at first then maybe public if I can handle private)

Deep throating

Gagging

anal

pain

The list goes on I will add more as I think of them. So much running through my head at the moment I don't know where to start. So much I want to do but am scared of the outcome, or more to the point, scared of being judge by others. No one really knows me, people only know what I care to show them. There is a lot more to me than anyone could ever imagine, I have thoughts and feelings that would shock most people that know me, but I am who I am. I know if Sir is patient enough with me I can grow and be all that I want to be, and I don't think what I want is all that different to what he wants, we just haven't had the chance to sit down and really talk about it in depth. Or we have had the chance but I have been to scared to. I think it is time to put my fears aside and lay my heart and soul out on the table, to bear all for him to see. I never thought I would ever say this but I want him to take me places I have never been before, and to do things I have never done before. We will see what happens, I may lose all, but then I may gain a lot more, time will tell.

Time to try and sleep, 4am I should be sleeping, I should have been sleeping hours ago.

And lastly because I didn't post it before ... this is how I saw in the New Year

This Is My Blog

This is my blog and if you don't like the tone of it, or are offended by something I have written on it, TOUGH!! It is mine, my thoughts, my feelings, my fears, my hopes and my dreams amongst other things. No rights or wrongs. While you may think something I have written is wrong as far as I am concerned it isn't. Why? Because my thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams are all real to ME and no-one can tell me how I should feel or think.

I am not in a good place right now, so I can't say how this will pan out, all I know is that I am able to solve some of my problems and see things clearer when I am writing about them. I can go back and review, and more often than not say to myself, wtf was I thinking!!! Was I even thinking.

To figure out why I am not in a good place right now I need to go back to the beginning and that was October. Daughter moved back to NZ, I was in a new relationship, everything was great. Slowly things started falling apart, daughter couldn't get a job, which I told her would happen, her bf started emotionally and verbally abusing her which shattered me, I had always tried to shelter my kids from that as I know first hand how damaging to can be. January she moved back with me, the day after she moved back she found out she was pregnant, I was a little disappointed at first as I didn't want her travelling the same path I had, but once it sunk in I was over the moon, I can't wait to have grandbabies. She doesn't believe in abortion she told me within half hour of doing the test. That was fine, I told her I would support what ever she decided to do and I meant it. Then the big blow came the next day when she told me she wasn't having it, she was aborting, that shattered me, although I can understand why she was doing it all I could think was that she was killing my grandchild and I had no one to talk to about it. Yes there are people around me I can talk to, but they never seem to be anywhere in sight when I need them the most. The hardest part of it all was sitting at the clinic while she had the procedure, trying to bury my emotions for her sake. I did say I would support her choice and I meant it.

So that was pretty much the start of all this latest turmoil. It was at that time I could feel another Borderline moment coming on, I am spiralling again, a lot has happened since that day, I have started attacking the people that mean the most to me, again and the more I try to stop doing it I make things worse. How do I stop this sabotage? Why do I push people away when I need them the most? I feel like shit, self harm comes in many forms, most people think of it as physically hurting oneself, that is not always the case. For me it comes in the form of not being able to eat, feeling physically ill every time I put something in my mouth, be it food or liquid. I can't do this again, I told myself 3 years ago I would not allow it to happen again, and for 3 years it didn't, well mostly didn't. There were a couple of small bouts but nothing like this.

If blogging is going to help pull me out of it then that is what I need to do. I have trouble verbalising what I am trying to say to people sometimes. Sometimes I find it easier to talk about my feeling through the written word. I am more than happy to talk about what I have written, but I have a fear of talking about it before I write it.

I think that is enough of my rambling for now, this is not a woe is me, poor little subbie girl blog, either. It is my venting space, my laughing space, my reflection space, my sarcastic space. I reckon I will come back to this later or tomorrow, or the next day and say wtf space was I in when I wrote that dribble lol. We will see.

Remember, MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY fears, MY hopes, MY dreams. Do not judge me by what I have written here. You wish to judge me, get to know the REAL me first.