Tuesday, 7 February 2012

Que Sear, Sera

I am having a hard time dealing with things at the moment. I don't know where to turn or who to talk to any more. I am not sure who I can trust, if I can trust anyone. My trust has been shattered into a million pieces once again. I want to write unconditionally exactly what my thoughts and feelings are, on here, but I am unable to for fear of the repercussions they may cause. Even though they are MY thoughts and MY feelings. I know if I write exactly what is on my mind I will suffer some terrible consequences, and I live in fear of what they may be.

I have been reading another blog lately, about a M/s couples' journey and as I read through it I laugh with them, and then feel a great deal of sadness and wonder if I will ever have the sort of relationship they have. She was badly mistreated by an abusive Master,  the one she is now with has lead her on a journey of healing, it has taken her a long time to trust him, believe in him and give herself to him in every way possible. With his help, understanding and guidance, she is now almost balanced. As she puts it, she is only a little broken now, but he is helping her to mend the brokeness(I know it's not a word but it's my word).

That is what I want, I  want someone that will lead me, guide me and help me mend my brokeness, because like her I am sick of feeling broken. I am sick of the abuse at a Doms hands, I am not talking physical abuse either, I am talking mental and emotional abuse. Why is it that all these so call Doms disappear with their tails between their legs at the first sign of trouble?

I know I can be difficult, fuck there are times I can't stand to be with me, that is the BPD(Borderline Personality Disorder) something I never hide from a Dom, why would I, when I know at some point it is going to rear it's ugly head. They all tell me the same thing ... we will get through it when it happens, I won't run away at the first sign of trouble. FUCKING BULLSHIT!!! Each and every fucking one does. It is not something I am proud of, it is not something I can control, it is something I have to live with. Sick of getting no fucking support from the ones that promise to be there to support me.

It is OK to be ANGRY
It is OK to be HURT
It is OK to get FRUSTRATED
They are MY feelings, and MINE alone.

Do NOT assume that what I have written here is about any one person because it is NOT, it is about ALMOST all of the Doms I have been involved with since discovering this lifestyle. All I want is a healthy, consensual D/s relationship and all that it entails. Is that to much to ask for? Seems it is. Where did I go wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Will I ever find what I crave?

Let me give you a bit of insight into what lead me to this point, in the 8 years or so since I found this lifestyle below is a brief outline of all my RL experiences.

First RL  experience.Sir A, put a harness with an attached collar that was miles to big, I could slip my head out of the collar without undoing it, had me on the floor, arse up, face down and started flogging me. It did nothing for me, it bored me to tears, the whole time I yawned and thought are you done yet? Session ended, I got up, got dressed, left and never saw Sir A again.

Second RL experience, Canes are a hard limit, something I have always made loud and clear to all Doms. So, have a few play sessions with Sir B, nothing untoward, no boundaries crossed, all is good. Then one day Sir B has me cuffed to a cross and blindfolded, now after he finishes giving me a flogging I hear "I am only going to do this once" I don't recall if I asked what or if I said nothing. All I remember was being hit full strength on the crease where my legs join my butt with a fucking cane. The shear burning pain I felt I still can not to this day describe or get out of my mind. NEVER again was Sir B allowed near me.

Third RL experience. Sir C, calls and asks me to his place for coffee and chat, so off I go. We talk we drink coffee, we smoke cigarettes all is good. He tells me to sit on the seat and not move, he'll be back in a moment. So I sat and sat and sat and he never returned. To scared to move as I didn't know what consequences would await me if I did, so on the chair, curled up in a ball all night long. He gets up in the morning and says oh you are still there, why didn't you come to bed? Because you told me to stay fucking put until you returned!!!!!. Time goes on with much of the same behaviour and yes I have major abandonment issues that date back to when I was a child but that is another story. Every week I get orders from Sir C, every week I comply, every week we arrange to meet, every week he sends me a text cancelling as I am heading out the door, reschedule for tomorrow again I comply, or arranges  to come to my place and never turns up, always saying he got busy and forgot. Then I get to his place one day we have an intense session, all seems fine, I head home, and bam the next day I have feelings that I have no idea where they came from, sudden onset of depression (I always know when my depression is coming on), feelings of not being good enough, feelings of panic, feelings of abandonment etc etc etc. So I ring to talk to Sir C and what response do I get. Well what do you expect me to do about it, I am out of town(did not know he was heading out of town the next day), deal with it yourself, read this website, promptly sending me a site to sub-drop, something I had never experienced or even heard of before. For over 2 years I put up with this behaviour, the whole time hoping, wishing, praying it would change. The sub-drop session was the last time I ever saw him.

Fourth RL experience. Sir D. Meet on an on-line site, chatted somewhat and discovered he was a friend of a friend. So I contacted said friend and asked about Sir D. Yeah good bloke I get told, had no reason to doubt friends words, trust friend completely even to this day almost 3 years later, still trust him completely. However I digress. So Sir D and I decide to start a relationship, all goes really well for the first 4 weeks, then he has family issues to deal with, (ex wife tried suicide), needs to go and be with the (grown) kids and grandchild. Now I would NEVER stand between anyone and their children, family is important. So all is fine, we talk on the phone daily, he comes and sees me as much as he is able, then bam, nothing, no phone calls, no text messages, nothing for 2 weeks. Then he pops up again, things go back to talking daily, texting daily, all is good again, except now I am lucky if I see him once every 3 or 4 weeks or more. Friend is mortified by this because it is so out of character for Sir D to be like this. None the less, long story short, I am left dangling on a string, being told how much I am wanted, cared about, and loved and soon this will all be over and we can be together. Then BAM again, no contact for 3 months. Then when contact resumes I start getting odd phone calls and abusive text messages from one of his daughters. The whole time he was with me, except for 3 days, he was living with his wife. It was one lie after another. It took me 2 years and many lost friendships to get over Sir D and finally decide to move on and try to trust another.

Fifth RL experience. Sir E .... is pending the outcome. Que Sera, Sera

These men manipulated me - not in a good way, they played mind games with me - not in a good way, the played with my feelings - not in a good way, they took trust from me - not in a good way, they had little regard for my well being, mentally emotionally and to some degree physically, one of them even raped me, that is something I have never mentioned to anyone. And not one of these men were ever there when I needed them the most. My journey thus far has not been a very positive one. Do I throw it all away and go back to being nilla? Hell no, can't do it, I am submissive, in fact extremely submissive with the right Dom in my life. Is Sir E the right one? That is yet to be seen, but given passed experiences, I am a little more than cautious, and so far I have not allowed my true submission to surface for fear of history repeating. Please remember the above is only a tiny part of these relationships.

current mood/feeling: scared

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