Monday, 2 November 2009
Wednesday, 9 September 2009
I lost my job a month and a half ago, my redundancy money is about to run out, I found the most amazing man and love him to pieces, unfortunately he had a family emergency to deal with and I've not seen him in 11 days *sigh* I miss him so very much. I seriously never thought I could feel the way I feel when I am with him, I never in a million years thought anyone could make me as happy as he makes me.
I am also very troubled at the same time, his phone has been on it's way out for sometime now and I believe it has finally given up, it has been switched off since lunch time last Friday and that is most unusual especially given the family crisis he is dealing with, so I have had no contact what so ever for four days now. It has been the hardest four days of my life. I cling to the fact that he will finish doing what it is he needs to do and then we will be able to start over again, build on where we left off.
I know he is not doing this deliberately there is not a doubt in my mind about the way he feels about me, and if ever there was I just need to ask the people that have seen us together and they all say the same thing that is silently running through my mind. I have no doubt he feels the same about me as I feel about him. We are just going through an unexpected and unavoidable period at the moment, we will get through it, and I know deep within me that if we can survive this, then we can survive anything.
I need to stop feeling neglected and abandoned and remember his family are more important at this time, my turn will come, hopefully soon. I need to concentrate on me, I need to get me back to my happy place because the path i am currently on is not good for me. I feel myself slipping back to a place I vowed I would never go again, and if I am not healthy, happy and stable I am no use to him nor me.
I need to start sleeping properly, might be time to pay a visit to Mr doctor man, I need to start eating properly, time to do a big grocery shop and start cooking again, and most importantly I need to go and see centrelink and concentrate seriously on getting a job.
I have always said if a Dom can't control himself then how can he possibly control me, but as my Dom is currently away for I don't know how long then I need to take back control, because if I can't control myself how can I possibly expect anyone else to be able to control me. My spoilt brat, feel sorry for myself, needy little child period is over. I am not a child anymore I need to get over that moment and become an adult once more.
Plan of attack is .... make a Dr's appointment, go grocery shopping, and go see centrelink on Thursday, I was going to do it Wednesday but given the time now and that I am still awake, I will be in no fit state to go to centrelink tomorrow, so hopefully a good night sleep tomorrow night and centrelink Thursday.
I am not going to post photos or ramblings about the last party, mainly because I didn't enjoy it. It had nothing to do with the party or the people there, I just didn't enjoy it because I couldn't be there with Him, I was there alone and so wanted to share the night with Him but I couldn't and as such did not enjoy the night.
Next party is in a little over a week, hopefully He will be back for that one and there will be plenty of photos and ramblings :-)
Now time for sleep ..... good night cruel world
Sunday, 23 August 2009
I am HURT
I am ANGRY
I am DISAPPOINTED
I am UPSET
I am FRUSTRATED
This blog seems to have a theme to it of late, not what it was intended for but I can't help the way I feel.
NO MORE! I CAN NOT DO THIS AGAIN
Sunday, 16 August 2009
Saturday, 15 August 2009
Sometimes life just sucks, that's all I have to say.
Not all the time though ..... Sitting at Gypsy and Master G's dining table, while they unpack some more of their stuff and all I can smell is the yummmy roast lamb that is cooking. NOMNOMNOM
Sunday, 5 July 2009
The EI party at the end of May, like all the others was a fantastic night enjoyed by all who attended and a great attendance it was. Then there was the June munch with it's pirate theme another great night but a little disappointing to see most did not make the effort to come in costume. I know it can be difficult to organise costumes and others just don't like to dress up, I was once one of those people, but even something small doesn't take much time and effort. Then there was the June Madness party with it's military theme and as suspected almost everyone came wearing either black or traditional army camos, however my dear gypsy and I thought outside the square and went as toy soliders. I had an absolutely fantastic night, had the pleasure of catching up with a dear man and his slave Sir Perry and karen from Adelaide. Unfortunately I missed his rope workshop before he headed back to Adelaide, but maybe next time. I also had the pleasure of meeting some new people and had some wonderful conversations. The following week was the June EI party which was interesting given we had storms and severe weather warnings. Given the weather it was still a great turn out, although maybe it was just me but hte atmosphere was just not the same as normal. Not sure if it was the weather or if it was partly because dear gypsy was in bed sick :( so no photos from June EI.
I was made redundant on Friday so until I secure a new job I will not be attending as many events, finances just will not allow it. Once upon a time I would have said stuff it, I'm going but realistically bills and rent have to be paid first and my redundancy package is not that great since I have been with the company less than 2 years. I will NOT allow this curveball to drag me down to a place I once was, I will NOT go back there, I will overcome this latest hurdle in my life. And I know I have the support of my very dear friends to help keep my afloat. I could not imagine my life without them in it. I do kind of feel sorry for the Dom I end up with as I am a package deal, if he wants me he also has to accept MasterG and the wonderful Gypsy as well.
EI Party 30 May 2009
EI Party 30 May 2009
Master G and his first mate Gypsy June Pirate Munch
Master G, his first mate Gypsy and the wench June Pirate Munch
Commador E_I, the ship wench, first mate gypsy and Captain Master G, June Pirate Munch
The toy soldiers ready for Madness June 2009
The toy soldiers ready for Madness June 2009
There was no E_I party in July, but this is what happens on a lazy Sunday afternoon at Master G and Gypsy's house
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Each month I would look forward to the parties I would attend, even got to the point that I would start to think about what I was going to wear to the next party weeks in advance. At the last E_I party I had already decided what I would wear to the next one and went out the following Monday to buy the fabric. However as the weeks have gone by my interested has diminished, I had the fabric ready to sew, just needed to find the pattern and thread.
The party is just over a week away and today I had to force myself to go to textile traders at lunch time and get what I needed to make my costume. I now have everything needed except the inclination. Got home from work, traced the pattern with much effort and with greater effort cut the pattern pieces out. Fabric is still folded and in the box with the rest of my fabric, just can't be bothered. My get up and go has got up and gone.
Since Fridays MotG party I have been feeling out of whack, I am falling again, my hole while not as deep as it once was, is slowly but surely getting bigger. I have lost all enthusiasim for everything, am back to the don't give a fuck stage again. The can't be arsed staged. Can't be arsed with anything, can't be arsed going to work, can't be arsed with parties, can't be arsed with costumes, can't be arsed with people and most certainly can't be arsed with drama.
A comment was made about one of my pics on fet, "the look in my eyes says it all" ...... look into those eyes and tell me .... what is it that you see in them? I know what it is I see in them.
Monday, 18 May 2009
Friday nights MotG Party is only the second one I have been to, the first beingi n November 2008, which is where I developed my love of needles.
I have few pics from Friday on the grounds that no cameras are allowed at the event, which is fair enough, a good way to protect peoples privacy.
Fridays needle play did not go as well as it normally does, I was extremly tense for some reason and the needles just did not want to go in. I did have a wonderful person use me as a pin cushion for the first time, his first time that is and I must say he did a great job. I get the feeling that once he gets a feel for the needles it is something he has the potential to become very talanted at. On the other hand the talented Master G had a great deal of trouble using me as a canvas as I was so tense, my muscles just would not relax therefore the needles did not slide as easy as they normally do.
So why was I so tense on Friday? I have a few theroies on that. Partly because of the extremely stressful week I had at work, partly because I had stepped out of my comfort zone and into unknown waters, the panic attacks rared their ugly heads again even if only minimal, and partyl because it was unfamiliar territory, unknown people and dome people I did not feel comfortable around.
Having said that I still had a fabulous night and look forward to the next MotG which I am already planning my costume for, and since the theme for the night is Military it shouldn't be to hard. Time to get the old collar dogs, hat badge and reg belt out if I can find it. YAYYY can't wait!!.
Friday, 15 May 2009
I did however have a conversation with one person where another person made an off handed comment to and about me that got me to thinking. Because of this conversation I have now started to take a long hard look at myself, both as a person and a submissive. If the comment is how one person views me I wonder how others view me, or IF indeed others view me in the same light as this one person. If it is in fact that others view me in the same light then perhaps it is time for me to re-evaluate myself. Maybe it is time for me to change, but then do I really want to change who I am just to suit a handful of people. The answer to that is easy ... it is a straight out NO! However if what was said is true then I do need to do something about it.
As I said I am now taking a long hard look at myself. I doubt I will change, I haven't had any similar comments from anyone else that knows me so perhaps it is just the hang up of this one person. I won't change to suit a handful of people, I will change to suit me if I believe I need to. I can, and will improve myself as much as I can. I strive to be the best I can be with what I have. I believe I can become a better person but still keep the parts of me that make me who I am. Improve myself while still being the fun, happy, cheeky and sometimes serious person I am. I will not change to be forever serious, I just can't do that. I like to have fun, and laugh with my friends. So to the person that made that comment about me I say, kiss my ass. If you can not accept me for who I am then I do not want nor need you in my life. I am the best person I can be at this point and time, and I know I will be the best submissive I can be to the person that finds me, that I choose to submit when ever that happens. I may not be everyones ideal view of a submissive, but to the right person I will be the ideal submissive..... end of story.
Saturday, 18 April 2009
Sunday, 29 March 2009
Sunday, 22 March 2009
Another great night had by all that attended. It was also great to see so many new faces in the crowd, as well as catching up with some I hadn't seen for a while. I look forward to getting to know more and more people and developing some wonderful friendships as my journey continues.
Tuesday, 17 March 2009
Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth. ~ Benjamin Disraeli
If you command wisely, you'll be obeyed cheerfully. ~ Thomas Fuller
Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear. ~ Winnie the Pooh
Sometimes I put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down. ~
Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend. ~ Albert Camus
Only a life lived for others is worth living ~ Albert Einstein
Everything is okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end. ~
Actions speak louder than words ~
Be who you are, say what you want, because those that mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind ~
True strength lies in submission which permits one to dedicate her life, through devotion, to something beyond herself. ~
A good Dom tells, A mediocre Dom teaches, but a true Dom inspires ~
I'm becoming restless and feel in NEED of a Dominant in my life, but I am fussy, have been hurt, crushed and trampled on in the past so it is an almost impossible task to find exactly what I need. Or I should say, it has become almost impossible to open up to people, and to trust people enough to be able to find the one I need. My ideal partner would be, single, not to young, not to old, patient, caring, understanding, trustworthy, confident, honest, compatible with me, living in the same country, preferably same state. He would have self-control, wisdom, communication skills, the capacity to love, the desire to teach, compassion and a sense of humour.
How can I submit to someone who does not give me reason to trust him? Without confidence of his own how can he instill confidence in me? Self-control means just that; if he can’t control HIM then how can he control ME. He must be wise when using the knowledge he has gained. Being intelligent does not make a person wise. If there isn’t honesty there can’t be trust, if he can’t be honest with himself how can he be honest with me? He needs to be able to express his wants and needs to me in a way that I will fully understand, his instincts to comfort, protect and nurture speak to my heart, this is the kind of man I need in my life. He needs to practice what he preaches, teach by example, if he wants respect, he will show respect, if he wants loyalty he will be loyal, if he wants honesty he will be honest, he will also have patience. He will not chastise me for failing, he will help me over come obstacles, and he will help me become the best I can be. And he must have the ability to laugh at himself as well as with others.
And that my friends, is just the tip of the iceberg, so much more could be added and probably will be in the near future. I did say I was fussy, and well I refuse to settle for second best. Why should I when I deserve so much more.
She is likely beautiful, well-proportioned, and easily upset. She does not respond well to her Master's chiding, because it cuts her much deeper than he realizes. She is happy being told what to do, yes, but must have variety in order to be comfortable. She is likely to be outrageously flirtatious with her Master, but quiet and shy in public.
Sunday, 15 March 2009
I have come to the conclusion that I am more than likely not going to find what I need in my life, in this lifestyle (don't like that word), yet I can't turn my back on it either. It is not what I do, it is who I am, it is as much a part of me as my arms and legs. I would be lost without any one of them.
And I have made some wonderful friends that I can't leave behind. I have decided that since I am unable to walk away from the lifestyle completely, I am going to take a back bench for a while instead. Lurk in the shadows so to speak. I will still attend some events, but not all of them, at least for the time being. I'll work my way up to more/all of them one small step at a time. In short I will not be as active as I have been in the past.
There is a lot going on in my life right now and that is another reason I can't walk away from all of this, I have made some fantastic friends recently and I know with their help and support I can get through what I am going through and come out on top. And I want to get to know them all better. (yes all of you)
Because of everything I am dealing with at the moment I am feeling terribly lonely, yes I have friends, some I visit regularly, but I still feel terribly alone. Even when I am in their company. I'm becoming restless and feel in NEED of a Dominant in my life, but I am fussy, have been hurt, crushed and trampled on in the past so it is an almost impossible task to find exactly what I need. Or I should say, it has become almost impossible to open up to people, and to trust people enough to be able to find the one I need.
Although I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never find the right Dom for me, I will keep trudging along on my journey. I honestly don't believe the right one for me exsists. Let's face it, here in WA they are either partnered, to old, to young, fakes, wannabes, liers, dangerous, untrustworthy, or down right rude and arrogant.... I did say I was fussy, and well I refuse to settle for second best. As much as the thought scares the crap out of me, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than settle for second best.
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Difficult to fathom and to be understood.
Quiet unless excited or tensed.
Takes pride in oneself.
Concerned about people's feelings.
Emotional, temperamental and unpredictable.
Moody and easily hurt.
Witty and sparkly.
Forgiving but never forgets.
Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things.
Sensitive and forms impressions carefully.
Caring and loving.
Treats others equally.
Strong sense of sympathy.
Wary and sharp.
Judges people through observations.
No difficulties in studying.
Guides others physically and mentally.
Monday, 2 March 2009
I was born in 1969, in Wanganui, New Zealand. Yep kiwi born and bred and proud of it! I am the youngest of four and am the mother of two teenagers, neither of which live with me. I moved to Perth, Western Australia on the 25th Feb 2006, with a suitcase full of clothes, a cabin bag full of photos and $2000NZD to my name. No job, no possessions, nothing. Starting again from scratch, and have no regrets with that. There are times that I think I would rather be back home, that is more often than not when I am at a real low point and am missing my wonderful friends back there. Why Perth? is a question I get asked a lot, in a nut shell, because everyone I know goes to the eastern states, because both of my children had decided to go and live with their fathers, because I was sitting around, wasting away doing nothing living off the government and I knew by moving to Australia I had to work as I wasn't entitled to government assistance. Because I wanted to make a better life for myself, because it is far enough away from my dysfunctional family while still being close enough for me to get to them in just a few hours in case of emergency, and because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am honest, reliable, trustworthy, caring, loving, shy at first, over emotional and an extremely loyal friend. I can be cheeky, opinionated, pig headed, stubborn, unpredictable at times and more often than not, misunderstood. I suffer from Borderline personality disorder, but with the right people in my life I can over come that, or so I have been told. I am not the worlds most intelligent person, I learn by being shown how to do things and then doing them, rather than by reading and/or writing about something, and my communication skills are not the best. I often say things that make perfect sense to me but not to anyone else, I do not have the skills to deal with a lot of lifes hurdles, I put that down to the way I was raised. I get easily frustrated specially when trying to explain something to someone and not knowing how to express myself. A lot of people see it as anger directed at them, rather than what it actually is, personal frustration. I never hold a grudge for very long and when I get hurt, I hurt real bad. I don't trust easily, but once you do gain my trust I will generally trust you with my life. However if you break that trust, it will take an extremely long time to rebuild it. And yes it is possible to re-gain my trust if you lose it, depending on what you did to lose it in the first place.I like taking photos of anything and everything, I like craft work, I like most kinds of music, I like watching a good dvd, I like going for drives just to waste some time, I like the beach, I like going for walks in the bush, I like sitting beside a waterfall or stream just to get away from it all for a while, I like spending time with good friends, I like spending time alone. I don't like peas, mushrooms, capsicums, liers, unreliable people, crowds, feeling like I have done something wrong, being judged harshly by people that don't know me. I do not deal with being humiliated, abandonment, and being put down. There is so much more I can add to this list if I really stop and think about it, but right now I don't want to stop and think.
I first discovered BDSM about 5 or 6 years ago quite by accident. I went to visit a couple of friends that shared a house. When I got there they were both in chatrooms on Alt.com, I had never heard of it before and asked about it. I was given a very brief explanation but really didn't take to much notice, although it did spark some curiosity. When I got home I did a google search and so my journey began. I read numerous websites on the subject, found some great articles and blogs on submission and all of a sudden it made perfect sense. I finally discovered that I was not strange. I finally understood why I am like I am. I have always been a quiet and shy person (until I get to know people) who doesn't like to cause trouble and will do what ever I am asked.
As a kid I thought I was like that because I was scared, scared of the beating I would get if I did or said the wrong thing and sometimes when I didn't, scared of being yelled at, scared of being told how stupid I was, how useless I was, what a failure I was, how I would never be able to do anything right, how I should never have been born and how much I was unwanted. But reading this as I am typing, it is very highly likely that all of that is what made me the submissive I am and always have been.
My submission goes way beyond just play, and I won't go into great detail on the play aspect of BDSM as I have little experience with it. I love needle play, but that is a very recent thing over the past few months. I have in the past had some bad experiences with play sessions so tend to shy away from them as much as possible. For me submission is more about the control for want of a better word. And this is where I struggle to explain exactly what I mean, basically for me it is more about the psychological side of BDSM, I guess for me it is more about the D/s side of BDSM, but I still need a certain level of play also.
I don't need to get into a mind-set for my submission to kick in, it is just naturally there. I am by no means into pain, even though needle play is high on my list of things I enjoy. For me it is about the sense of completeness, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of safety, being given and obeying orders, I guess any "real lifestyler" will know exactly what I mean though. However in saying all of that, I will not jump to the commands of just anyone, more often than not if someone tells me to do something they will be told to kiss my skinny white arse. I am no ones slave, never have been and never will be. I will not fall to the floor and worship the ground you walk on until you can prove to me you are the right Dominant for me. For the right person I am very submissive and give all I have to give and then find some more to give.
If anyone wants to know any more about me than I have written here, then please feel free to send me a message on Fetlife. Be warned however, any disrespectful, degrading or down right rude messages will be ignored and deleted. I am to old to play stupid school yard games.
Another great night had by all that attended. It was also great to see a few new faces in the crowd, as well as catching up with some I hadn't seen for a while. It was also great to see people trying new things.