Monday, 2 March 2009

The Person behind the posts

I guess now would be a good time to tell you all a little about me. Who am I, what makes me tick, what I like. The good, the bad and the ugly. Why bother sugar coating anything, right?

I was born in 1969, in Wanganui, New Zealand. Yep kiwi born and bred and proud of it! I am the youngest of four and am the mother of two teenagers, neither of which live with me. I moved to Perth, Western Australia on the 25th Feb 2006, with a suitcase full of clothes, a cabin bag full of photos and $2000NZD to my name. No job, no possessions, nothing. Starting again from scratch, and have no regrets with that. There are times that I think I would rather be back home, that is more often than not when I am at a real low point and am missing my wonderful friends back there. Why Perth? is a question I get asked a lot, in a nut shell, because everyone I know goes to the eastern states, because both of my children had decided to go and live with their fathers, because I was sitting around, wasting away doing nothing living off the government and I knew by moving to Australia I had to work as I wasn't entitled to government assistance. Because I wanted to make a better life for myself, because it is far enough away from my dysfunctional family while still being close enough for me to get to them in just a few hours in case of emergency, and because it seemed like a good idea at the time.

I am honest, reliable, trustworthy, caring, loving, shy at first, over emotional and an extremely loyal friend. I can be cheeky, opinionated, pig headed, stubborn, unpredictable at times and more often than not, misunderstood. I suffer from Borderline personality disorder, but with the right people in my life I can over come that, or so I have been told. I am not the worlds most intelligent person, I learn by being shown how to do things and then doing them, rather than by reading and/or writing about something, and my communication skills are not the best. I often say things that make perfect sense to me but not to anyone else, I do not have the skills to deal with a lot of lifes hurdles, I put that down to the way I was raised. I get easily frustrated specially when trying to explain something to someone and not knowing how to express myself. A lot of people see it as anger directed at them, rather than what it actually is, personal frustration. I never hold a grudge for very long and when I get hurt, I hurt real bad. I don't trust easily, but once you do gain my trust I will generally trust you with my life. However if you break that trust, it will take an extremely long time to rebuild it. And yes it is possible to re-gain my trust if you lose it, depending on what you did to lose it in the first place.I like taking photos of anything and everything, I like craft work, I like most kinds of music, I like watching a good dvd, I like going for drives just to waste some time, I like the beach, I like going for walks in the bush, I like sitting beside a waterfall or stream just to get away from it all for a while, I like spending time with good friends, I like spending time alone. I don't like peas, mushrooms, capsicums, liers, unreliable people, crowds, feeling like I have done something wrong, being judged harshly by people that don't know me. I do not deal with being humiliated, abandonment, and being put down. There is so much more I can add to this list if I really stop and think about it, but right now I don't want to stop and think.

I first discovered BDSM about 5 or 6 years ago quite by accident. I went to visit a couple of friends that shared a house. When I got there they were both in chatrooms on, I had never heard of it before and asked about it. I was given a very brief explanation but really didn't take to much notice, although it did spark some curiosity. When I got home I did a google search and so my journey began. I read numerous websites on the subject, found some great articles and blogs on submission and all of a sudden it made perfect sense. I finally discovered that I was not strange. I finally understood why I am like I am. I have always been a quiet and shy person (until I get to know people) who doesn't like to cause trouble and will do what ever I am asked.

As a kid I thought I was like that because I was scared, scared of the beating I would get if I did or said the wrong thing and sometimes when I didn't, scared of being yelled at, scared of being told how stupid I was, how useless I was, what a failure I was, how I would never be able to do anything right, how I should never have been born and how much I was unwanted. But reading this as I am typing, it is very highly likely that all of that is what made me the submissive I am and always have been.

My submission goes way beyond just play, and I won't go into great detail on the play aspect of BDSM as I have little experience with it. I love needle play, but that is a very recent thing over the past few months. I have in the past had some bad experiences with play sessions so tend to shy away from them as much as possible. For me submission is more about the control for want of a better word. And this is where I struggle to explain exactly what I mean, basically for me it is more about the psychological side of BDSM, I guess for me it is more about the D/s side of BDSM, but I still need a certain level of play also.

I don't need to get into a mind-set for my submission to kick in, it is just naturally there. I am by no means into pain, even though needle play is high on my list of things I enjoy. For me it is about the sense of completeness, the feeling of belonging, the feeling of safety, being given and obeying orders, I guess any "real lifestyler" will know exactly what I mean though. However
in saying all of that, I will not jump to the commands of just anyone, more often than not if someone tells me to do something they will be told to kiss my skinny white arse. I am no ones slave, never have been and never will be. I will not fall to the floor and worship the ground you walk on until you can prove to me you are the right Dominant for me. For the right person I am very submissive and give all I have to give and then find some more to give.

If anyone wants to know any more about me than I have written here, then please feel free to send me a message on Fetlife. Be warned however, any disrespectful, degrading or down right rude messages will be ignored and deleted. I am to old to play stupid school yard games.

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