No matter how hard I try, I just can't do it .... walk away from all this that is. I have been thinking seriously about turning my back on it all over the last few weeks and months. Even tried to, that lasted all of a few days, week at the most.
I have come to the conclusion that I am more than likely not going to find what I need in my life, in this lifestyle (don't like that word), yet I can't turn my back on it either. It is not what I do, it is who I am, it is as much a part of me as my arms and legs. I would be lost without any one of them.
And I have made some wonderful friends that I can't leave behind. I have decided that since I am unable to walk away from the lifestyle completely, I am going to take a back bench for a while instead. Lurk in the shadows so to speak. I will still attend some events, but not all of them, at least for the time being. I'll work my way up to more/all of them one small step at a time. In short I will not be as active as I have been in the past.
There is a lot going on in my life right now and that is another reason I can't walk away from all of this, I have made some fantastic friends recently and I know with their help and support I can get through what I am going through and come out on top. And I want to get to know them all better. (yes all of you)
Because of everything I am dealing with at the moment I am feeling terribly lonely, yes I have friends, some I visit regularly, but I still feel terribly alone. Even when I am in their company. I'm becoming restless and feel in NEED of a Dominant in my life, but I am fussy, have been hurt, crushed and trampled on in the past so it is an almost impossible task to find exactly what I need. Or I should say, it has become almost impossible to open up to people, and to trust people enough to be able to find the one I need.
Although I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never find the right Dom for me, I will keep trudging along on my journey. I honestly don't believe the right one for me exsists. Let's face it, here in WA they are either partnered, to old, to young, fakes, wannabes, liers, dangerous, untrustworthy, or down right rude and arrogant.... I did say I was fussy, and well I refuse to settle for second best. As much as the thought scares the crap out of me, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, than settle for second best.