Friday, 18 May 2012

Am I a Masochist?

I was having a conversation with a Dom, about all sorts of things, and he asked me if I was a Masochist. I don't identify as a Masochist and told him so. 

I enjoy needles, fire play, some forms of fire play, have not tried many but have enjoyed what I have done, I enjoy violets wands, tens units and floggings.

My last play session consisted of 180 strikes of 2 different floggers, 80 bare handed spankings and some paddlings, that hardly left a mark on me ... I didn't feel any of them after the first 50 or so, but I counted them all. I was in heaven during them all.

So does that make me a Masochist? I have no idea, I thoroughly enjoyed that session, yet I don't like pain ... it hurts.

So instead of saying I am a Masochist, or I am not a Masochist, I told him maybe I am a Masochist in training?

Seriously though, what defines whether you are a Masochist or not? Someone care to enlighten me? It has me thinking now, and I don't like thinking, specially when I am as tired as I am. Maybe I am?

This whole conversation came about over a photo of me, he decided from the look on my face and in my eyes I was a Masochist. I have never really thought about it and have always said I'm not. Although others have told me I am. 

I'm all confuzzled now :(

Sunday, 13 May 2012

I don't exsist

I meet a man, well sort of, have been chatting a man online for a while, so far he seems to be (almost) everything I have been looking for. Unfortunately he doesn't know I exsist apart from online chats.

I know my recent behaviour hasn't helped my cause, these stupid BPD episodes always screw things up. I need to take steps to get myself better. I need to learn the skills to stop my self-destructiveness.

All I really want is some one that is patient and understanding, someone Dominant, that can help calm me when something triggers me.

I am afraid my BPD will always be my undoing, because of it I will always be on my own. Because normal people don't understand, BPDers are to hard to handle, at least that is my perception of how others look at us.

Living with BPD is isolating, it is a very lonely life.

One day

One day:
I hope you will learn to appreciate all I have done for you,
I hope you will realise how much I gave up for you,
I hope you will feel the same unconditional love I felt for you,
I hope you will give me the respect I deserve from you,
I hope you will learn to be the adult I know you can be,
I hope you will follow your dreams and be truly happy,
I hope you will value all I have taught you.

Even though it may not seem it at times, even though we may be miles apart or in the same room, I love you my son and my daughter, with everything I have.

Friday, 11 May 2012

I don't want to do it anymore

I need to learn to control myself better when I have an episode.

I am afraid this time I have damaged even more friendships beyond repair and that doesn't help my current state of mind. 

Instead of posting here where I said I would post from now on, I have been posting on my fetlife wall again, and every one on my friends list sees what a fucked up unit I am. Apologising to them is not going to work, because I say sorry to often and if people hear it often enough they tend not to believe it after a while. There is no way of actually letting them know I am sorry. 

I don't want to drive people away, I value my friendships, both on and offline, there are people I have talked to online that I dearly want to meet one day in person, but I am afraid I have done to much damage, I have driven that wedge between us.

I don't want to behave the way I do, say the things I say, feel the way I feel, but I can't stop myself from doing it. There is no magic pill that will make it all go away, I just have to deal with it.

 My entire adult life I have driven people away because of my over-reaction to silly little things. I have had to change jobs because of my over-reaction to silly little things.

I just don't want to do it any more, I don't want to be me, I want to be normal. I just wish I could change.

Sunday, 6 May 2012

I am a submissive woman

I came across this a very long time ago. I don't remember where or when as I have had it saved on my computer since I found it. It basically puts into words that which I have not been able to, it describes how I have felt in my previous relationships, and how I hope to feel once again in the future.

`author unknown`
I find pleasure, joy, and fulfilment from being submissive to my Master in a loving relationship.
I am not weak or stupid. I am a strong woman, with firm views and a clear concept of what I want out of my life.
I do not serve out of shame or weakness, but out of pride and strength.
I will look to my loving Master for guidance and protection, for never will I be more complete than when He is with me.
I know that He will protect my body, my mind, and my soul with His strength and wisdom.
He is everything to me, as I am everything to Him.
His touch awakens me and His thoughts free me.
Only in serving Him do I find complete freedom and joy…
His punishments may be harsh, but I accept them thankfully, knowing that He has my best interests always foremost in His mind.
If He desires my body for pleasure, I shall joyfully give it to Him and take pleasure myself from knowing that I have brought Him happiness.
However, the pleasure of the flesh is but one facet of O/our relationship.
The love, the trust and sharing, the words spoken and felt, those are all parts of this relationship.
My body is His, and if He says I am beautiful, then I am.
No matter what I look like to others, I am beautiful in His eyes, and because of that I hold my head high.
If He says I am His precious jewel, then I am that…a beautiful, sparkling gem.
If He says that I am His pet, His slut, His whore, then I am that.. as wanton and dirty as He wants me to be.
My mind is His, to expand, to explore, to know only as He can.
I have no secrets from Him… for secrets are a thing that would keep me from being more perfectly His.
Secrets would put a wall up between my Master and myself… and I do not want walls.
His lessons are not always ones I would seek on my own, but they are lessons He has decided that I need, and so I learn from Him.
My soul is His, as bare to His touch as ever my skin could be when I kneel naked at His feet.
Never a moment goes by when I do not feel His presence, be He miles away or standing over me.
If I were to ever displease Him, His displeasure would be a blow to my soul, worse punishment than any lashes could be.
The anguish of my soul that I feel when I disappoint Him is harder to bear than any physical anguish I feel.
I am grateful that he cares enough about me to spend His time and energy so freely on me.
I have the easier job, to feel, to experience, to let myself go and abandon everything to Him.
I am His pleasure and His responsibility, and He takes both seriously.
I am a submissive woman.
I am proud to call myself that, my submission is a gift that I do not give lightly, and can only be given to the One who can appreciate that gift and return it tenfold.
Only to my Master who has that strength, will I give myself fully, because I am strong and proud.
I am a submissive woman.

Friday, 4 May 2012

Forever alone

I can not get rid of this unsettled feeling I have these days, and I have no idea what has caused it. Just when things start to go right in my life, one little thing comes along a turns everything upside down and inside out. I am sick of everything going wrong. I am sick of all the negativity, I am sick of being alone, I am sick of being used, abused and taken for granted. I have been talking to a lot of people on different sites lately, many of them Dominant men, out of all the ones I have been speaking to there is really only one that I would like to get to know better, he doesn't want the same thing though. The others are great to talk to, some very knowledgeable and wise, but this one is the perfect package of what I seek. I know nothing will ever come from it and I am only fooling myself if I say or think otherwise. It is a shame.

I have a lot of doubts that I will ever find that perfect one for me. I am pretty sure I have encountered him, but he doesn't know I exist, at least not in the sense that I am worth anything more than email exchanges. That unfortunately is the extent of the lifestyle in WA. Plenty out there but the ones that I believe are suited to me either don't want anything more than email chats, a quick fuck or they are already attached, and I don't do poly!