It's late, I'm tired but I can't sleep. I promised it would be lights out at 10pm, it was a little later than 10pm and at 2am I am still awake. I need to sleep, this lack of sleep lately amongst everything else that is going on, is doing my head in.
I lost my job a month and a half ago, my redundancy money is about to run out, I found the most amazing man and love him to pieces, unfortunately he had a family emergency to deal with and I've not seen him in 11 days *sigh* I miss him so very much. I seriously never thought I could feel the way I feel when I am with him, I never in a million years thought anyone could make me as happy as he makes me.
I am also very troubled at the same time, his phone has been on it's way out for sometime now and I believe it has finally given up, it has been switched off since lunch time last Friday and that is most unusual especially given the family crisis he is dealing with, so I have had no contact what so ever for four days now. It has been the hardest four days of my life. I cling to the fact that he will finish doing what it is he needs to do and then we will be able to start over again, build on where we left off.
I know he is not doing this deliberately there is not a doubt in my mind about the way he feels about me, and if ever there was I just need to ask the people that have seen us together and they all say the same thing that is silently running through my mind. I have no doubt he feels the same about me as I feel about him. We are just going through an unexpected and unavoidable period at the moment, we will get through it, and I know deep within me that if we can survive this, then we can survive anything.
I need to stop feeling neglected and abandoned and remember his family are more important at this time, my turn will come, hopefully soon. I need to concentrate on me, I need to get me back to my happy place because the path i am currently on is not good for me. I feel myself slipping back to a place I vowed I would never go again, and if I am not healthy, happy and stable I am no use to him nor me.
I need to start sleeping properly, might be time to pay a visit to Mr doctor man, I need to start eating properly, time to do a big grocery shop and start cooking again, and most importantly I need to go and see centrelink and concentrate seriously on getting a job.
I have always said if a Dom can't control himself then how can he possibly control me, but as my Dom is currently away for I don't know how long then I need to take back control, because if I can't control myself how can I possibly expect anyone else to be able to control me. My spoilt brat, feel sorry for myself, needy little child period is over. I am not a child anymore I need to get over that moment and become an adult once more.
Plan of attack is .... make a Dr's appointment, go grocery shopping, and go see centrelink on Thursday, I was going to do it Wednesday but given the time now and that I am still awake, I will be in no fit state to go to centrelink tomorrow, so hopefully a good night sleep tomorrow night and centrelink Thursday.
I am not going to post photos or ramblings about the last party, mainly because I didn't enjoy it. It had nothing to do with the party or the people there, I just didn't enjoy it because I couldn't be there with Him, I was there alone and so wanted to share the night with Him but I couldn't and as such did not enjoy the night.
Next party is in a little over a week, hopefully He will be back for that one and there will be plenty of photos and ramblings :-)
Now time for sleep ..... good night cruel world
