Friday, 11 May 2012

I don't want to do it anymore

I need to learn to control myself better when I have an episode.

I am afraid this time I have damaged even more friendships beyond repair and that doesn't help my current state of mind. 

Instead of posting here where I said I would post from now on, I have been posting on my fetlife wall again, and every one on my friends list sees what a fucked up unit I am. Apologising to them is not going to work, because I say sorry to often and if people hear it often enough they tend not to believe it after a while. There is no way of actually letting them know I am sorry. 

I don't want to drive people away, I value my friendships, both on and offline, there are people I have talked to online that I dearly want to meet one day in person, but I am afraid I have done to much damage, I have driven that wedge between us.

I don't want to behave the way I do, say the things I say, feel the way I feel, but I can't stop myself from doing it. There is no magic pill that will make it all go away, I just have to deal with it.

 My entire adult life I have driven people away because of my over-reaction to silly little things. I have had to change jobs because of my over-reaction to silly little things.

I just don't want to do it any more, I don't want to be me, I want to be normal. I just wish I could change.

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