Bits n Bobs

3.30am and I can't sleep, am absolutely exhausted, but my brain just won't shut down. Thinking about all that has happened recently, all the stress in my life over the last month, and not having anyone around to help me deal with it. All I ever really need is someone that can help me deal with the stress and I reckon I would ride it out a lot better than I do now. Not even really anyone to help me deal with it, but someone to reassure me that things will turn out ok. That I will get to the other side in one piece. I have hurt someone a great deal this week and no matter how much I tell them I didn't mean it, it just doesn't seem to matter. I didn't do it intentionally, I would never hurt anyone intentionally, I could never hurt anyone intentionally. I just hope they can eventually forgive me because I don't want them out of my life. I would do anything to prove how sorry I am.

Anyway enough snivelling. Time to reflect.

Saturday night after we got home from E_I Sir and I had a really good play session, I took a lot more than I thought I would or more to the point, than I thought I could. I actually got to the point where I just didn't feel any pain. I know as a sadist he has gone easy on me so far, but there are times that I wish he would push me just a little at a time to see how far I can go. I have not had a lot of experience, I say I don't like pain, but in reality, I don't know if I do or not. I would like to see how far I can go with a lot of things. There are a lot of things I would like to try that I have never tried, there are a lot of things I haven't done for a long time that I would like to do again. Because I get embarrassed easily I find it hard to bring the subject up, and when it does come up I don't know what to say. There are things that Sir does to me that he thinks I don't like, but it isn't that I don't like then it i just that I haven't done them for a long time and it will take me a little while to get use to them again. There are some things that I had done to me that scare me half to death, but I would still like Sir to try them, it is a mind over matter kind of thing. I know I can overcome my fears if Sir is prepared to have a little patience with me. I also know it is really hard right now with things that are going on outside our relationship including my daughter now living in the same house as me.

Don't judge me for the things I am curious about that I will list here, or the things I want to try that I haven't tried before or have tried in the past and was made to fear them. There will be some things I list that people won't agree with, but it is my life, and if Sir is happy to lead me to these new experiences then I will follow eagerly.

Here are a couple of photos from Sirs handy work

 First 50 bare handed spanks

 Then 180 -200 of the best with His suede floggers

As you can see from the pics I don't mark easily

Some of the things I am scared of but want to try are:

Canes

knife play

fire play

cutting?

wax

breast torture

whips

Some of the things I would like to get use to again that I had bad experiences with in the past:

Hair pulling

Biting

humiliation (private at first then maybe public if I can handle private)

Deep throating

Gagging

anal

pain

The list goes on I will add more as I think of them. So much running through my head at the moment I don't know where to start. So much I want to do but am scared of the outcome, or more to the point, scared of being judge by others. No one really knows me, people only know what I care to show them. There is a lot more to me than anyone could ever imagine, I have thoughts and feelings that would shock most people that know me, but I am who I am. I know if Sir is patient enough with me I can grow and be all that I want to be, and I don't think what I want is all that different to what he wants, we just haven't had the chance to sit down and really talk about it in depth. Or we have had the chance but I have been to scared to. I think it is time to put my fears aside and lay my heart and soul out on the table, to bear all for him to see. I never thought I would ever say this but I want him to take me places I have never been before, and to do things I have never done before. We will see what happens, I may lose all, but then I may gain a lot more, time will tell.

Time to try and sleep, 4am I should be sleeping, I should have been sleeping hours ago.

And lastly because I didn't post it before ... this is how I saw in the New Year