I am not in a good place right now, so I can't say how this will pan out, all I know is that I am able to solve some of my problems and see things clearer when I am writing about them. I can go back and review, and more often than not say to myself, wtf was I thinking!!! Was I even thinking.
To figure out why I am not in a good place right now I need to go back to the beginning and that was October. Daughter moved back to NZ, I was in a new relationship, everything was great. Slowly things started falling apart, daughter couldn't get a job, which I told her would happen, her bf started emotionally and verbally abusing her which shattered me, I had always tried to shelter my kids from that as I know first hand how damaging to can be. January she moved back with me, the day after she moved back she found out she was pregnant, I was a little disappointed at first as I didn't want her travelling the same path I had, but once it sunk in I was over the moon, I can't wait to have grandbabies. She doesn't believe in abortion she told me within half hour of doing the test. That was fine, I told her I would support what ever she decided to do and I meant it. Then the big blow came the next day when she told me she wasn't having it, she was aborting, that shattered me, although I can understand why she was doing it all I could think was that she was killing my grandchild and I had no one to talk to about it. Yes there are people around me I can talk to, but they never seem to be anywhere in sight when I need them the most. The hardest part of it all was sitting at the clinic while she had the procedure, trying to bury my emotions for her sake. I did say I would support her choice and I meant it.
So that was pretty much the start of all this latest turmoil. It was at that time I could feel another Borderline moment coming on, I am spiralling again, a lot has happened since that day, I have started attacking the people that mean the most to me, again and the more I try to stop doing it I make things worse. How do I stop this sabotage? Why do I push people away when I need them the most? I feel like shit, self harm comes in many forms, most people think of it as physically hurting oneself, that is not always the case. For me it comes in the form of not being able to eat, feeling physically ill every time I put something in my mouth, be it food or liquid. I can't do this again, I told myself 3 years ago I would not allow it to happen again, and for 3 years it didn't, well mostly didn't. There were a couple of small bouts but nothing like this.
If blogging is going to help pull me out of it then that is what I need to do. I have trouble verbalising what I am trying to say to people sometimes. Sometimes I find it easier to talk about my feeling through the written word. I am more than happy to talk about what I have written, but I have a fear of talking about it before I write it.
I think that is enough of my rambling for now, this is not a woe is me, poor little subbie girl blog, either. It is my venting space, my laughing space, my reflection space, my sarcastic space. I reckon I will come back to this later or tomorrow, or the next day and say wtf space was I in when I wrote that dribble lol. We will see.
Remember, MY thoughts, MY feelings, MY fears, MY hopes, MY dreams. Do not judge me by what I have written here. You wish to judge me, get to know the REAL me first.