Monday, 15 October 2012

Stress and my Lupus ... not a pretty sight

One of the hardest things I find to do is relax, it is just something I have great difficulty in doing. Unfortunately I am a highly stressed person and most times I deal with that stress without giving it a second thought. Even when there is nothing to stress about, I stress about something. 

The silly thing is, that it is usually the small things that stress me more than the big things that should. At the moment my father is not real well, and highly possibly not much longer for this world, but that isn't stressing me to much, a little but not a lot. I am in the process of moving inter-state, yes that is stressing me, not the move as such, more the amount of stuff I have to do and the amount of time I have to do it. Basically, I am running out of time fast!!! As I said, normally I deal with the stress pretty well, but every now and then I am reminded that I am not dealing with it as well as I could be. 

I have Lupus, and auto-immune disorder where the immune system attacks your own body, instead of attacking the bad cells it attacks the good ones, not just any cells though, it attacks your organs, it can be any organ, liver, kidneys, heart, lungs etc. I am lucky to some degree, even though it does attack one of my organs it attacks the biggest organ in the body ... the skin. I am lucky that it is my skin and not an internal organ, there is no cure for Lupus, many people will need organ transplants, years of dialisis etc. At least with it attacking my skin I will not need any of these, just a premanant regime of anti-histamines and steriods. Below is a couple of pics of what it does to me ... they are not pretty, and people that do see it usually take a wide berth ... it is NOT contagious.

All these are terrible colouring, but it gives you an idea of what I can go through, they itch, they burn and they generally make me feel miserable. Most of the time it doesn't get this bad, once it has been worse.

I know these pics don't have a lot to do with D/s as such, but when I am like this there is NO play, no nothing, most people head for the hills never to be seen again when I have a flare up. Basically if my life was stress free these flare ups would be few and far between. It is hard to describe what it feels like, other than I want to rip my skin off. In summer it is worse because they make my skin so hot, the only good thing about summer is I can wrap my self in a cold, wet sarong, which relieves the burning and itching. All I want is someone to cuddle me and gently run their hand through my hair when I am like this, I just want to be held softly. That is one of the best stress relievers I have found so far. Unfortunately it rarely happens as when I have a flare people avoid me like I am a leper, no matter how much I tell them it is not contagious. :(

The flare up that I had this weekend, that is starting to subside now, it was to cold for a wet sarong, or a frozen towel, so I just sat in the bath with the shower running on me, for over an hour. It is the only relief I seem to be able to get and will only last as long at the water is running onto them. My moods when I am like this are diabolical, I snap at the littlest thing, usually because I can't sleep and when I do sleep it is not a restful sleep as I scratch in my sleep. When this first started I would wake up in the morning bleeding where I had scratched so much through the night, now not so much because as soon as I feel them coming on, I cut all my finger nails, right back so if I do scratch it is only my finger tips, not my finger nails.

So to help reduce this from happening I need to eliminate stress from my life, how does a person that is as highly strung and tense as myself eliminate stress??? I have no frecking idea, I have been trying to figure that on out for the last 9 years, nothing seems to help.

This blog was always meant to be about my journey as a submissive, in a way this is part of my journey, I am no less submissive when I am like this, although I am a lot more defiant when I am like this. It was meant to be about the good, the bad and the ugly. Well not a lot good about this, but definitely bad and ugly. Doesn't get much uglier than these pics lol

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